…After everything I’ve been through

I didn’t expect to find myself here, asking questions about love again at this stage of my life. Love later in life looks different than it once did, and I’m still learning what that really means.

Between cancer, heart disease, and a heartbreak that never really got closure back in 2023, a lot of my time has been spent just trying to steady myself.

Some days mean dealing with the physical side of things. Other days it’s the emotional weight that lingers, especially being left without a word by someone I loved deeply. That kind of silence doesn’t just disappear. It stays with you in ways that are hard to explain unless you’ve been through it.

Learning How to Carry It

Working with Agnes, my therapist, has helped me sort through a lot of that. Not all at once, and not in a way where everything suddenly makes sense, but enough to feel like I’m moving forward instead of standing still. It’s been more about learning how to carry things differently than trying to erase them.

With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve found myself appreciating that process even more. The quiet work. The honest conversations. The parts of healing that don’t always get seen or talked about, but matter just as much.

When Maya Came into My Life

Somewhere in the middle of all that, Maya came into my life.

She lives in Boston while I’m in Detroit, and somehow, she found me through my blog. What makes it even stranger is realizing that near the end of 2023, we were on the same subway car in Boston, sitting across from each other, holding eye contact the entire ride without saying a word. I remember being amazed at how beautiful she was, but I was too frightened to say anything because of the pain I was feeling. Now it’s one of those moments I look back on and can’t quite ignore.

We’ve been talking and dating for about a month now. It’s long distance, but it’s real. There’s something there that makes me want to keep showing up, even with everything else I’m carrying.

What I’m Carrying Into This

There is a lot I’m carrying, and Maya and I have had this discussion.

Trust doesn’t come easy after what I went through, and my health is a constant part of my life. Neither are something I can set aside. The treatments I’m on have changed things in ways people don’t always talk about, and that has a way of getting into my head. It makes me question what I can offer, whether it’s enough, and whether it’s fair to even bring someone else into it.

On top of that, there’s always that quiet thought in the background, wondering if history could repeat itself. Getting close to someone again means accepting that risk, when I’m trying to stay grounded.

When the Conversation Got More Complicated

It came back up while talking to Agnes last night, and if I’m being honest, it wasn’t just about relationship structure. Part of it was fear. The kind that creeps in quietly and makes me question my worth.

The treatments I’m on have changed things, and one of the hardest parts to sit with is not being able to get an erection. That’s not an easy thing to say out loud, but it’s real. It gets in my head. It makes me wonder if I’m enough, or if at some point Maya might start to feel like something is missing.

That thought alone can push you into trying to find ways to compensate, even if they don’t truly fit who I am.

It was about this time; I found myself going back to “Northern Wind” by City and Colour. There’s something about it that makes me feel steady, like I’m not trying to rush anything. Just letting things be what they are and seeing where they go.

Nearly a year ago in the initial conversation with Agnes came the topic I wasn’t expecting to revisit so soon. The idea of monogamy versus polyamory. It’s something I had mentioned more as a thought than anything concrete.

Back then, that idea felt distant and theoretical. Now is it something that could be real? And if it were, it would change everything.

Sitting with it, I started to understand that curiosity doesn’t always translate into compatibility. There’s a difference between being open to an idea and actually living it day to day.

The more honest I got with myself, the more I realized I wasn’t considering it from a place of strength. Trying to bring a polyamory lifestyle into my life feels more like a response to fear than something that truly fits me. Because where I’m at, and everything going on in my life, I don’t need more complexity. I need something steady and honest. Something that feels manageable instead of overwhelming.

When I finally said out loud what had been sitting in the back of my mind, that maybe I wouldn’t be enough, Maya didn’t hesitate. She looked at me on video chat and said, “I didn’t come into this for sex. I came into this because of you.”

She told me that what we’ve shared, the closeness, the way we’ve been with each other, was real to her. That she was happy with it exactly as it’s been. And that wasn’t what she was looking for. She wouldn’t share something that, to her, was meant to be between two people building something real.

At one point she said something that stayed with me: “An erection isn’t what makes something intimate to me.”

I asked her if she was okay with me sharing this, knowing how personal it is. She didn’t hesitate there either. She said if it helps someone else feel less alone, then it’s worth saying out loud.

Hearing all of that didn’t magically erase the doubt, but it quieted something in me that had been loud for a while.

That doesn’t make one approach better than the other. It just means being honest about what fits our life and not letting fear make that decision for us.

What Actually Fits My Life Right Now

Agnes didn’t try to steer me in any specific direction when we talked about all of this. What she did remind me of was simple, but it stuck with me. I deserve to be happy. That might sound obvious, but after everything, it’s not always something that comes naturally.

So this is me trying.

Not in a perfect way, and not without hesitation, but in a way that feels real. I don’t know where things with Maya will go, and I’m not trying to force an answer before its time. What I do know is that I’m willing to show up and see where it leads.

What Love Looks Like Now

At this point in my life, love isn’t about chasing an ideal or trying to recreate something from the past. It’s about finding something that fits who I am, with everything that comes with me.

Something steady, understanding and real enough to grow without forcing it.

Agnes sent me this song while we were talking through all of this, and it stuck with me. Not because it’s about perfect love, but because it isn’t. It’s about time, and how that’s what gives love its meaning in the first place.

Choosing to Keep Going

Maybe that’s part of what Mental Health Awareness Month is about. Not just awareness, but giving ourselves permission to keep going, to stay open, and to choose connection even when it would be easier to shut down.

By the end of the night, I made a promise. Not just to myself, but to Agnes for all the work she’s put in with me over the past couple of years, and especially to Maya, who’s touched my heart in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m not giving up on love, and I’m not giving up on her nor our opportunity of happiness.

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