How am I doing?

When people ask how I’m doing, they usually want to know about the cancer. Like what were the scan results and my next treatment plans. Those are important questions, but lately the biggest challenge hasn’t those replies. It’s been the fatigue associated with the starting Xtandi a few months back. I won’t lie—I’m tired.

Not the kind of tired that comes from staying up too late or having a busy day. This is a different kind of exhaustion. The kind that follows you from day to day regardless of the amount of rest I get.

Thursday June 18 5 PM

Today, I saw my primary care physician. And after listening to everything that’s been going on with the cancer treatments, medications, sleepless nights, hot flashes, and the constant cycle of appointments her prescription wasn’t another pill.

It was rest.

She reminded me that my body has been through a lot over the past three years. While I tend to focus on moving forward to the next appointment, the next scan, or the next treatment decision, my body is quietly asking for something else. Time to recover from what I’ve just gone through before heading forward into something new.

She also started me on B-12 injections in hopes of giving me a little more energy. Whether they help remains to be seen, but I’m willing to try anything that might help me feel a little more like myself again.

Reflection

The difficult part is accepting that rest is productive. I’ve spent much of my life believing that pushing through was the answer.

Cancer has taught me a different lesson.

Sometimes strength looks like getting out of bed and making it through the day while listening when your body says, ‘enough already.’ Yet remembering sometimes the most important thing to-do is to take a nap.

Next Oncology Appointment

Tuesday’s appointment with my medical oncologist will focus on the numbers—the PSA, the medications, and the treatment plan moving forward. But if I’m being honest, the biggest thing I’m hoping for right now isn’t another good test result. It’s more energy with less fatigue and the ability to enjoy some time between appointments.

Until then, I’m following doctor’s orders.

Rx: Rest.

Monday 06/22/2026 7:30 AM

Hope everyone had a wonderful Father’s Day weekend. One topic I never spoke on in the interview with my therapist is that I never knew mine. His name isn’t on my birth certificate and being abandoned by my mother at birth, afforded us little opportunity to discuss him. Especially how torturous her and my relationship was.

She passed away in ’96 and lived her life the way she chose never to my remembrance of saying ‘I love you‘ to me. Not even when she needed something. Hell of a way to grow up and then live through life. Guess that is part of the reason I tell those who are important to me how I feel.

The Email

Received an email from someone dear to me. A portion of her words reads as such, “Knowing you want to build a life with someone else while still wanting me in yours isn’t something I can handle emotionally. It wouldn’t be healthy for me, and I need peace.”

This struck a nerve as I thought it would’ve been nice to hear something similar from Casey. But it came from Loren who had stood beside me since shortly after Casey left and got married after my cancer diagnosed in ’23. Loren, I expected to stay forever after all we had spoken about my need for a real connection on several occasions.

For years there was hope for both, but hope cannot break marriages plus Loren is from the Philippines. Yet, I will always have a spot in my heart for her. She picked up pieces of me that were unseen and unwritten about and helped put my puzzled soul back together.

She went on to add, “I’m glad you found her (Maya). Please take good care of her, and don’t share your feelings about Casey, Michelle, or even me with her, as I feel that would be disrespectful.”

For the record Michelle had said goodbye, a painful one after a twenty-year friendship that also saw her as my attorney early on. And although I miss her our closure has been a peaceful and respectful one, as will be Loren’s. While the other was ghostly.

But still, I wondered disrespectful to whom? Them for leaving? Me for wanting happiness? Or perhaps Maya? She already knows and offered me this, “Knowing your story isn’t the same as living in it. Your past helped create the person I love today. I’m interested in him, not competing with the people who came before me.”

I miss and love those I’ve lost along the way, but I guess committed friendships aren’t the way of the future for this or any other generation moving forward. How many of you can say you’re still friends with kindergarten mates? I can. But now a days everything is about avoidance instead of communication. Do you see it as well?

Tuesday 6/23/26 6:30 AM

iPhone alarms are as annoying as hell, aren’t they? I wonder how much research went into finding that disturbing pitch we hear every morning? Only woke twice last night to use the bathroom but I’m still tired.

I don’t know what today’s oncology appointment will bring but here’s a song to kick off the day as I get ready.

Signed into Instagram after getting ready to see what’s new. Received a message form my bestie attached to a photo of Maya and I.

Tara, and I have been friends for a lot of years, and it brought a smile to my face knowing of all those that have come and gone ours is still as meaningful today, if not more, than when we first met. It doesn’t take many words to make me happy, just knowing someone is there is what counts.

Our promise to one another lives on in this Taylor Swift song.

We’ll never become a stranger’s whose laugh we can recognize anywhere. We promised to always be there.

Funny thing is being this close is we don’t have to talk every day. We can go weeks without a word, a like here or there, but can notice in a second who needs cheering up. Today’s message was sweet, “You two are so cute!! ❤️❤️.” Thank you, Tara❣️

This is life living with cancer. Find time to enjoy the good moments, love who you love, care for who you care for and lead your life to the fullest.

My Appointment

Meet Lauren, she’s the PA for my medical oncologist and was gracious enough to take a moment for this photo op. Then we dug into the previous months tests results.

All came back in a positive light, yet we were both concerned about our long-range goals here. She had not known about my radiation oncologist referring me to another radiation oncologist for the Brachy Therapy as the Extandi and Trelstar are doing their respective jobs.

Doc came in a few minutes later and explained that even though the cancer is under control our mission is to ‘kill it’ using my own words when asked the question.

They drew some more blood to check on the medication’s effects on other organs like my liver and kidneys. On my way out an August follow up was set.

Closing

As I sit here finishing this piece, I realize that perhaps the answer to the question, “How are you doing?” isn’t found in a PSA number, a scan report, or even a treatment plan.

It’s found in a primary care doctor reminding me that rest is sometimes the best medicine. And in old friends who still show up, new love that accepts the chapters that came before, and healthcare providers committed not just to controlling my cancer, but to defeating it.

Cancer has certainly changed me. I came back different. But different isn’t always bad. Different has taught me to say “I love you” more often, to appreciate the people who stay, to accept closure when it comes, and to cherish the ordinary moments that once seemed insignificant.

The road ahead remains uncertain. It always has. Yet today, I’m grateful.

Grateful for another encouraging appointment and for friendships. Grateful for Maya and for those who helped put my puzzled soul back together. And grateful for the opportunity to continue writing this story.

Because this is life living with cancer.

Not just appointments and test results, but love and loss, fatigue and hope, hellos and goodbyes, rest and resilience.

And for today, that’s enough.

Real Talk

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