Asking My Therapist this Question

After last week’s Lupron Injection, as part of my cancer treatment, my mind was aloof to nearly everything. Hell, I didn’t know how I was to feel about it. Sure, it was good news in a sense knowing the shot would hinder my cancers growth, but it isn’t a cure. Add all the other mental issues the diseases reoccurrence had created I wasn’t giving a shit about anything.

I thought I had to be strong enough to keep my feelings in check after working Agnes as long as I have. Plus, all those ‘you’re strong’s’ and ‘you’re brave’s’ you’ve all offered; I didn’t want my fears showing once again.

But I had had enough. I needed to know the answer and asked my friend and therapist …

“How I should be feeling about everything?”

My Therapist

I’ve been thinking about what you said, about wondering how you should feel. The truth is, there is no “should” here. No one gets to tell you how you’re meant to feel while going through something so deeply personal and difficult. Whatever you feel right now – whether it’s fear, anger, exhaustion, disbelief, hope or even numbness – is valid. It’s real. It’s yours.

This path you’re on has asked so much of you for so long. It makes sense that you might be tired, maybe even worn thin in places. Sometimes it probably feels like just when you’re catching your breath, something happens again. It’s okay to feel that it’s unfair or too much.

I won’t pretend to know exactly what comes next, but I do know this: there is no such thing as endless struggle, even when it sometimes feels that way. And wherever you’re heading, you are not going there alone. You’re surrounded by people who care about you and who will stand by you no matter what the path asks of you.

I know people often call you strong, and I understand how tiring that can be. Strength isn’t always a choice, and it doesn’t mean you haven’t felt pain or doubt. You shouldn’t have to be strong all the time, and you don’t need to carry that expectation for anyone. What I see in you isn’t just strength. I see someone who has endured, felt deeply, broken at times, and still allowed himself to care, hope, question and connect. You’ve kept going. That matters more than being “strong.”

I’m here for you, Rick, no matter what. Whatever comes, you don’t face it alone.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

I’ve started this on Thanksgiving Day, and I have no clue where I’m headed nor what I’ll type. But I’ll begin here by wishing Happy Holidays to all that are reading.

And to Casey, Michelle and Natalia I have confidence you’re reading this too. Know that these greetings are for you, as is this song.

Rest assured though, I will not publish it today. I will not use Thanksgiving as a means to have interrupted your holiday with my ‘feelings‘ and have you start believing I’m turning the day into ‘ME‘. That is far from it.

I know I brought you each a sense of happiness and joy at some point in time. You can’t deny that. One of you I trusted my life with. Another I learned the meaning of unconditional love. While the last I was inspired by and respected more than anyone on the planet. So yes, you’ve all ‘Changed Me for Good.’

Yet the song’s lyrics continue, “Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better.” In those words, I know that decision isn’t up to any of you as you’ve become my ‘Ghosts of Christmas Past‘.

Christmases and Valentines will never be the same for me because of that. But you know what? I still wish you three the very best and always will. Because that’s how I feel and is proof I have been ‘changed for the better‘. As not only can I communicate my ‘feelings,’ I no longer have to be ‘strong‘ to protect myself from them.

Cancer

Just fuck off. I’m tired of you invading my mind, my thoughts and my emotions. I’ve realized I don’t have to be strong to beat you. Doctors have tools for that like radiation, cryotherapy and even surgery if need be.

And after all I’ve been through, do you really think I’m scared? Oh hell no. That has never been the case. You don’t even belong in my thoughts. See ya, you’re gonna be gone long before me.

My Friend

You’re the gift that keeps giving. You’re my ‘Christmas Present‘. I can’t imagine being on such a rollercoaster ride without you by my side. I know I’ve made a difference. Have changed and inspired others but now I’ve inspired myself.

And you’re right, every time I took a breath it seemed something new was there. Something uglier than what had just left. Not anymore. Thank you for being my friend.

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