And Losing the Lottery

Wednesday, November 12, 5:45 AM

My last four articles about urology and oncology visits have started five, two, one and four days beforehand. And now because of a dream I had last night, my mind is telling me to use those numbers on a daily four lottery ticket. But I’m not a gambler. Hell, why does life have to be so ‘Complicated‘

This year, I’ve boughten just one ticket. Rather than purchasing an easy pick, I let the clerk choose the numbers. He picked the ticket below and I actually hit three of the four numbers. But I didn’t win a thing. Que Sera, Sera.

I do purchase scratch offs for Christmas each year. It’s a tradition I’ve continued that was started with my oldest son’s mother and me. I get them to put on the tree and rub off on Christmas Day. Then somehow begin hoping for a ‘Miracle,’ yet never to receive one.

Thanks to a friend at Five Below, this year’s scratch offs will be tucked inside of Elphaba rather than dangle from the tree.

She knows I’m a big fan of Wicked and couldn’t resist getting me this Christmas Stocking once they arrived at the store.

Speaking of Wicked, after Monday’s PET scan, I’ll be attending Amazon’s premier of Wicked: For Good at MJR Théâtre. Seriously, I can’t wait.

Cancer and Today

I spoke with Becca from oncology, yesterday. She informed me that my oncologist wants me to have another PSA test before I see him on Tuesday. I’ll be happy to oblige, I told her.

Knowing we’re tracking the numbers more closely is something I agree with. Actually, I’ve felt they should’ve been tracked closer all along. My past PSA schedule had them being checked every three months. Then it was dropped to two. With this test, it will have been just a couple weeks.

Just returned home from the lab and I forgot to pick up the lottery tickets. Remembering that hope can sometimes be a bad thing, I doubt I’ll regret it. So rather than wait for tonight’s drawing, I’ll kick back and wait for the test results to come in.

The wait is over, and this is the hardest photo I’ve had to add to a blog to date.

With below 4 being normal, a little over 8 as my (now former) high, this 9.19 is draw dropping. All I can think is that two fucking months were wasted. There’s nothing I can do now so I may as well meditate.

Thursday, November 13, 4:30 AM

My life has changed so much since all this began in early ’23. Some for the better and a lot more for the worse.

I mentioned this to Loren last night on the phone. I told her I’m tired. Tired of being called strong as I have no choice. Tired of being told I’m kind and sweet yet knowing I’m doing this mainly for myself. And that some days, I don’t like who I am because I don’t know where my ‘Ashes‘ are heading.

However, those using the charming adjectives are correct in who I am. I know that too. But how do I live knowing I’ve been ‘Bleeding Love‘ all along and no one’s listening?

Cancer isn’t the only thing that sucks.

The dream the other night didn’t specify which day to buy the lottery ticket. So, hoping that ‘hope’ is not a bad thing, this time, I grabbed one for today.

I picked up the scratch offs for the stocking, too. Again, hoping against hope’s bad results for some Christmas Day joy. I’m not counting on any glorious surprises as 5-4-0-0 were today’s midday numbers. Why should I expect anything more as expectations only bring disappointments?

Sunday, November 16, 8 AM

Talk about an uncanny knack for contacting me, I spoke with Agnes last night. It’s always good hearing from her. It was even more special because the scientific knowledge of my therapist / friend made herself available.

We spoke of those fluctuating PSA numbers. She forced fed me a dose of reality that I needed. She simply reminded me that sticking needles in me for a biopsy releases PSAs into the bloodstream. Even over a month later. Not to forget the recent cystoscopy affects them as well. Along with something I hadn’t mentioned until now. A ‘wet dream’ the night before the lab work.

Another ‘perfect storm‘ of events much like when things began in ’23 but in reverse. “Maybe it’s just the way it’s healing,” Agnes said to me with “I’m really curious what the doctor will say.” Me too, Agnes. Me, too,

For now, she gave me something I haven’t looked at as favorable. A glimmer of ‘hope’. Thanks for being there my friend.

Monday, November 17, 6 AM

Christmas Ornaments

This dose of ornaments is a bit different as I’m going all in with Mickey and Minnie Mouse today.

None of these were sent or suggested. However, the first with Minnie and Mickey kissing dates back to my 2022 tree. Not long before all my woes began. To me, it’s a reminder of better times and the way things can still be.

PET Scan

It’s PET scan day at the hospital’s splinter site on the West side. I haven’t been there in fifty-one months. And the last visit wasn’t exactly a happy one. It was there that I discovered I needed a colectomy. It would be performed the following month at the main site. Everything revolves around memories and this one lives on. She was supportive until she wasn’t but deep down, I believe she still cares. She’s just too afraid to face the past.

I actually woke at four. Tried really hard to fall back asleep, but the past came flooding back. Just as my therapist feared for me. However, I’ll try to take a nap after the procedure. Otherwise, I’ll be one of ‘The Walking Dead‘ at tonight’s premiere of Wicked: For Good.

Below are the findings from my first PET scan dated October 5, 2023.

Why include these results? Because no one did for me. And by seeing what can be expected, it can rest someone’s anxieties knowing someone else faced something similar.

I doubt today’s procedure results will be back by tomorrow. But Becca assured me that my oncologist will be able to view them off the computer system during my visit.

11:30 AM PET Scan

The test went uneventful which is a good thing I suppose. Two techs, Juan and James, guided me through it.

Here Juan is injecting me with a tracer laced IV solution so that the scan can detect PSMA levels in my bloodstream. After the injection you’re required to wait an hour, so the solution has time to absorb into your blood stream. This makes it possible for the imagining machine to see where the most absorption of PSA is located in my body.

I snicked after viewing this photo that James had taken of me before the test began. Think it makes me look dead. But trust me I am far from it. If cancer thinks I’ve given up, it has another thing coming.

Tuesday, November 18, 8:30 AM

I’ve been up since seven but was putting a video together about last night’s viewing of ‘Wicked: For Good’. Other than a line from Michelle Yeoh (Miss Morrible) in the movie, there aren’t any spoilers. Rest assured though, it is definitely worth seeing this holiday season and packed full of twists and great music!

You can see my Instagram post by clicking the link.

Oncology

Getting ready to leave for my appointment. Seems I’ve quit concerning myself over what’s going on. But I am curious, like Agnes, as to what he has to say. And what future obstacles lie in store for this fight.

11:00 AM

Was a bit disappointed walking in the hospital. I was expecting their Christmas Tree would be set up. But it wasn’t. So, I opted for a photo op with ‘The Bear.’ See what I mean about expectations?

“Why didn’t the radiation work,” was my first question to the oncologist as he walked in the exam room.

“I don’t know” was his reply.

That’s the tone I wanted set for this appointment. I’m in charge. Then we began to review the previous day’s PET scan.

Actually, it isn’t much different than the one in ’23. Except now there are little clusters of live cancer cells in between the dead cells yet not growing quickly. Which is good. However, they’re still present and need to be medically addressed.

We spoke of a variety of treatment options including cryotherapy. That’s where the cancer cells are frozen and later absorbed into the body fat as they thaw out dead. However, that would only be an option if another round of radiation doesn’t work.

The targeting seeds are still implanted from my first round of radiation therapy, he reminded me. That avoids one procedure prior to another round. Yet a decision would need to be made as to radiate the entire prostate or just half.

Another question I asked was, “Should I have been on hormonal therapy at the end of my radiation therapy in ’23?” I guess he was as honest as he could be by saying, “I don’t know.” Afterall, that was urology’s call.

It was here; he opened the door for me by suggesting I could have a second opinion. To me that’s a sign of a good doctor. Not so self-absorbed in himself to realize the patient comes first.

I reassured him, that he has my trust. We decided I’d begin hormonal therapy on Thursday with the urologist. And as if he’d been reading my blogs, he brought up the fact that he had spoken to that doctor on five occasions lately.

I have looked for another urologist, but none could get me in any sooner (and get caught up to date) than my current one. His appointment has been on the books for a while and is set for this Thursday.

Hoping again, against hope’s bad will, I shall wait two more nights and see what transpires at this appointment. But promising me twice he’d start hormonal therapy and not coming through leaves little faith.

Thursday, November 20 5:30 AM

With another appointment, here’s another dose of happiness. Enjoy some added ornaments and by the way, who’s my ‘Sugar Cookie?’

This edition leads off with ornaments from my BESTIE, Tara and her daughter. She has ‘STAYED‘ through it all and has been with me since long before. I couldn’t imagine life without her friendship. And she’s right, “You Don’t Always See Them But You Know They’re Always There.” Everyone deserves a friend like her!

A few are from Janaina and Loren and are equally as uplifting in Christ and the filled with the joyfulness of the season. While the PJ Mask ornament is there for Michelle, an old friend that I have the utmost respect for yet haven’t spoken to in some time.

Then there are the ‘Wicked‘ ones that I’ve added on my own. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

I’m up way too early again as my appointment isn’t until 9:45. Maybe something will get done today that will set my life back on track. Notice how I avoided ‘hope’ there. It’s hard to have ‘hope’ when there’s been so much inconsistency.

One thing is for sure, I’ve got friends behind me, and it was so nice to hear from Jen last night. “Whatever the course of treatment, you have friends who will help support you, including me!” She told me. These are the messages that make me smile. Thank you, Jen!

Before I head off, I’d like to dedicate this song to my friends

9:45 AM

Urologist Office

After speaking to the urologist about upcoming radiation treatments (likely in March ’26) and heart concerns of the medication I was about to be injected with he went over follow-up instructions. A few minutes later a nurse walked in the room.

It’s not every day you meet someone carrying a syringe into your exam room and begin smiling. But today was the exception as I was certainly grinning when I saw that look on her face. I knew at that moment, we had to have a selfie together.

Loaded in that syringe ‘was’ a three-month supply of Lupron. That is until my new friend Kristin decided to stick the needle in the upper right side of my buttocks and push the plunger. Now a ninety-day dose of testosterone reducing formula is flowing through my veins to slow the cancers growth that’s within me.

I’ll return in February for another injection. Then see the oncologist in March for not only a checkup but a better timeline on the radiation therapy. Until then, I’m going back to enjoying my life as these last few months have taken their toll.

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friends!

Mondays PET Scan

These results came in shortly after I published this article. I’m including them for anyone they may help.

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