In a Fair Society, Neither Would…
…however, we’re living in anything but a fair society. Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska: RTT Hypnotherapist and NLP Coach is back once again to help shed light on the truth.
I hadn’t thought much about ‘givers and takers’ throughout my life, as my grandparents raised me to believe ‘it’s better to give than to receive.’ Yes, I was raised old school and many of their beliefs are instilled in my very fiber. However, during my healing process, I’ve learned much more about life, feelings and expectations than ever before. And it can all be accredited to friend and therapist or is it therapist and friend (giving and taking equally) Agnes.
Clinically Speaking, what are Givers and Takers
Agnes tells me that the simple definition would be a taker takes more than they give, and a giver gives more than they take. “Ideally, a person should be both,” Agnes begins. “We give and we take that’s how healthy relationships work. But to really understand the distinction, we’ll have to dive a bit deeper.”
“Have you ever heard of “filling each other’s cup,” she asks, without expecting a reply. “It’s the idea that everyone has a “cup” that has to be filled with affection, attention, and anything that makes a person feel valued. When your cup is full, you feel happy, content, and energetic. When it’s empty, you feel stressed, apathetic, anxious, restless, and resentful. Both partners should fill each other’s cup, they should give and take.”
Following this metaphor, Agnes said, “a taker is a person whose cup has a hole in it. They need their cup to be constantly refilled and they expect their partner to keep filling their cup every day without doing it back (you can’t pour from an empty cup).” It’s tricky she adds, “because most takers don’t have enough self-reflection to know they’re one. When asked, they’ll say they’re a giver but how can they be a taker if their cup is empty all the time not realizing there’s a hole in their cup they have to fix. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people a hole in a cup is usually there due to trauma or depression.”
On the other hand, we have a giver’s cup which Agnes says, “is always empty because they keep filling other people’s cups the moment, they manage to fill theirs.” And that leads to, “people-pleasing behaviors with disregard for their own well-being. While the desire to be loved and appreciated is normal (we’re social beings after all), if a person pushes themselves into burnout just to please others, they need to work on their self-esteem and learn to set healthy boundaries,” the therapist adds.
Early Detection Signs
Immediately I asked Agnes about early detection signs which may be able to help us be aware of who we’re dealing with, “An early sign of a taker is that they don’t listen” she responded. “They don’t show much interest in what you have to say. They direct the conversations to what they’d like to talk about.”
“A taker,” Agnes adds, “is rarely satisfied (their cup is empty all the time after all). They tend to complain a lot and focus on what they don’t have.”
Agnes even tells me that takers would, as punishment, even go as far as stop taking from particular givers “If the giver offends the taker in some way (for example by setting a boundary, as that makes the taker feel rejected) – the taker might withdraw emotionally and reject all the “gifts” as a “punishment”. That, in turn, triggers the giver’s fear of abandonment. This fear will make the giver commit to giving even more and promise to never make the same mistake again. So, it’s less about high and more about control and conditioning, although some takers might get a ‘high’ that comes from the feeling of power.”
“Givers,” on the other hand she continues, “are good listeners and they remember things about you. A balanced giver is positive and grateful, you feel more energized after spending time with them. They communicate well and set boundaries when they’re tired. You’ll recognize a people pleaser (unhealthy giver) by their inability to say no. They’ll do anything you ask them to, even when they don’t feel like it. They might shower you with attention and affection but won’t ever ask anything from you (and if they do, they feel very guilty doing it and apologize a lot). They tend to be self-deprecating (call themselves ugly, stupid, etc., hoping you’ll deny it).”
Fixing the Taker
If you haven’t figure me out yet, I’ll lay it out clearly once and for all. I’m tired of the onus being put on those less fortunate as to be the ones that need healing and fixed. Let’s shift that narrative to fixing those that eventually break the good in those that truly care.
That’s exactly where I went with the next question to my friend when I asked, “I’m tired of fixing the hurt. What can we do to focus on fixing the ‘takers’ so they can understand the pain they cause?”
“Takers come in many forms,” Agnes expresses, “There are some narcissistic abusers who know exactly how to find a people pleaser they can manipulate and use, but there are also many takers who are unaware of what they’re doing. As I mentioned before, many takers think they’re givers and get very offended when you tell them otherwise. To fix a taker you need to fix the hole in their cup. They need to heal from the trauma that caused it. Therapy is a good place to start.”
Me in the Narrative
I’m a giver, plain and simple and there’s no hiding it. We’re not talking just gifts; we’re talking time and effort as well. From the ‘Meet Me’ stories I write to the good morning greetings I send out; I’ve been there for many and will remain so.
But if ‘You’re so Vain,’ as to think this is about you, you’re probably right, it is about you, one way or another from the ‘shoes’ in the video to the short term ‘gavotte’ genetically inherited whether of French ancestry or not. Overly taking isn’t right, so you should consider seeking help as I see the ‘takers’ faring mush worse in my future posts.
Mental Health Awareness Month
Agnes’ Social Sites:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
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