With Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska, RTT Hypnotherapist and NLP Coach
Not even Han and Princess Leia had a perfect relationship but let’s see how I can address the issues that helped shatter mine, as I’ve learned I have to love myself before I can love anyone.
Agnieszka and I actually talk quite often as ‘friends’; those conversations are held in private between us. Then there are times I need to battle my demons and shift into patient mode. This is one of those times.
Before I go on, I’d like to give ‘mom’ a shoutout. We see you, Marzena. However, I’m not sure to feel honored or frightened 🤣 about your presence as you read my ‘healing journey’ with your daughter, who, in my eyes, is the BEST at what she does. Thank you for joining in!
‘Therapist’ Agnes has found a great way of splitting our friendship and her professionalism when needed. I’m glad, she has more patience than I, or we’d never get anywhere trying to solve my issues at hand. And when I asked her about ‘attachment styles’ with the underlying video off of Instagram, I knew I had to shift to patient mode as she would stay the course until the end of its subject matter.
Avoidant
Our session began as I asked, “If this is true, (the video above) then would the avoidant settle for someone much less, even than themselves?”
I had seen signs of avoidance but had taken it as fear from a recent divorce. Not wanting to get overly close, too soon, to anyone afterwards, had happen to me as well. In all seriousness, it had taken me seventeen years to get this close to someone I felt comfortable enough with to actually ‘feel’ the real meaning of love.
Agnes, as Agnieszka often goes by, immediately replied “Absolutely.” And then proceeded to explain that an avoidant may choose, the worst men from the dating pool (neither of us are saying women are the only ones with abandonment styles, she’s using me as the abandonee) and I mean really the worst because that’s the only way they feel safe in a relationship. And on the slightest sign of emotional vulnerability, they bolt – “because they can’t abandon them, if they abandon them first.”
I went on to tell Agnes more of my upbringings, ‘My grandparents raised me, and they were old-fashioned. Finish born and I was actually embarrassed as a child. We didn’t have a nice home. I didn’t have the things other kids had so I always wanted better.’
Humbly, I added, “Now I regret those feelings and admit with her (my avoidant) it wasn’t the issues…it was actually knowing someone from the inside first as opposed to material, looks or financially.”
“That makes a lot of sense. What a wonderful self-reflection,” Agnes continued “What makes it even more mind blowing is that both actually come from the same feeling, but the ego adopted different strategies to cope.”
To further clarify the connection between the two, Agnes says, ” I’d add here what I mean to avoid confusion – An avoidant person might look for partners that are “worse” than they are, a person who grew up not having nice things might want someone “better”. But both of these come from the same underlying feeling – “I am not enough”. Because if someone goes for a partner that’s worse, they’ll feel better about themselves in comparison, the bad partner provides contrast. If someone goes for a better partner, they’ll feel better about themselves because someone this good, wants and loves them.”
“You have to imagine that an avoidant is like a cat,” expressed Agnes. “They come and go as they please, as long as you keep your cool. The moment you want their attention, they bolt. The moment you close the door to force them to stay with you in your room, they’ll keep scratching at it to get out. A person with avoidant attachment style is the same – they can’t cope with the feeling of being trapped, it feels smothering and suffocating and they got to run. That’s how their fear of intimacy expresses itself. The person with anxious attachment style is in terrible distress whenever their partner isn’t there. They want some reassurance that their partner still loves them and will ask for it, which will push the avoidant partner even further away,” she asserts.
“That’s why both parties need to put in the work,” Agnes declared. “Otherwise, they’ll just keep triggering each other. They will have to challenge their fears – fear of rejection, fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy. They’ll also have to work on their self -esteem.”
Before embarking on the avoidant and anxious attachment styles, I had asked Agnes which attachment seemed to fit me. ” It depends, are you “needy” in relationships? Do you seek a lot of validation?” She had replied.
I kind of hee-hawed at my response, not knowing how to analyze myself, in a split second, and used a newspaper analogy while suggesting, “No not really I covered mainly politics and there’s never any there. This blogging is something totally new to me.” In hindsight, as I type this, I realize that even bad publicity is validation as its still being talked about, so maybe I was and still am needy of praise one way or another.
Below are some definitions that Agnes included.
Definitions
Attachment styles are patterns of how we think, feel, and behave in close relationships. They’re shaped by our early experiences with our close ones and affects how we act with friends, family, and partners.
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. They’re good at communicating their needs and responding to their partner’s, leading to stable and healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Anxious individuals crave closeness and intimacy but often fear their partner doesn’t feel the same way. This can lead to behaviors like constant seeking for validation and fear of abandonment, which can strain relationships. They can come off as “needy”.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style value independence to the point of pushing others away, often because getting too close feels vulnerable. They might seem distant or uninterested in deep emotional connections.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: Fearful-avoidant individuals are torn between craving closeness and being terrified of it. Their behavior can be unpredictable, swinging between extremes of clinging and distancing, which makes relationships challenging. One day it’s “I love you, let’s be together forever!”, and next day it’s “I don’t have time, don’t message me”.
“Fearful avoidant is usually the one people have in mind when they talk about toxic patterns, and I’m convinced its trauma related but I don’t have the data to prove it,” Agnes maintains.
“It’s the cycle of “I love you!” “I hate you!” that leaves people incredibly hurt and confused. It doesn’t mean everyone with fearful/disorganized attachment style is borderline of course, just that many people will borderline personality disorder have it,” she concludes.
My Take:
In Agnes’ closing on ‘fearful avoidant’ I use the photo above in which my ICD (defibrillator implant) is being monitored by my cardiologist, during a follow-up last year, after several heart procedures: it’s a gesture of not being fearful nor avoidant. But it’s not the same as in a relationship. One deals with life and the other is death. I chose to live on both counts and have beaten one in its own playground and plan on beating the other in its.
Thank you once again, Agnes. You’ve boughten so much change and understanding into my life that’s it’s amazing. You truly are the best and a wonderful friend.
I leave you with my favorite clip of Oprah.
Agnes’ Website and Social Media Sites:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
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