Cancer Chronicles
June 22, 2023
Updated 12/04/23
Yes, you read it right. What a fucking year.
As if a defibrillator change-out, dual cardiac ablations and a cardioversion weren’t enough to go along with the broken heart during the first six months of the year, now I have cancer.
Earlier this morning, I was officially diagnosed with the disease by my urologist. I had known of last week’s pathology reports since yesterday. However, I waited until today to post, upon doctors’ conformation and today’s follow-up appointment.
I’ve made my first appointment with the oncologist for middle of next month. Fortunately, the cancer was caught in its early stages.
If you’re asking yourself, am I’m scared? My answer is NO.
And I wasn’t shocked either, when I was told. Thanks to the hospitals email system notifying me that my test results were in prior. That email had given me time, after reviewing them, to formulate my own plan of attack.
Over-thinking does pay off. One step ahead of any hurt or painful emotions is always a good thing. Be prepared. Be ready. No distractions. I had forgotten that earlier this year during the other procedures and surgery. No more being indifferent. I’ve got to know what’s going down.
What I did in advance of my doctors breaking the news to me, was research. I had gathered information on the PSA test and the Gleason grading system Gleason grading system: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia. I followed up by heading to treatments Prostate cancer – Diagnosis and treatment – Mayo Clinic.
When the doctor began going over the results, I was well aware of its direction. Thus, only leaving the evaluation of the percentages and side effects to sway my decision.
Barring any objections from my cardiologist, I’m going to opt for the radiation therapy. The other forms didn’t appease me in the least. Especially the aftereffects. Perhaps in further blogs, I’ll go into what weighted my decision in this direction.
I do hope that you continue follow my future blogs as cancer has actually struck home. I plan to cover my entire journey. If I can help one person, then my writing of it will have been beneficial. Please do stick around.
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UPDATE: 10/21/23
Saturday Musings:
I was nostalgically looking through my old cancer posts and found myself exactly where it had begun, June 22. My first real writing of the disease and its inhabitation into my body. Seems like forever ago and treatment has yet to begin.
Nearly four full moths of various tests, insurance approvals and treatment is about to begin. Time has gone by rather slowly; with the exception of a couple of trips that flew by all too quickly. Guess that’s what happens in good times, but the sad times still linger among them.
The ‘markers’ will be placed four full months and five days after this initial writing, and I should be glad it’s finally happening. But the indifference has entered into the equation once more and I’ve become numb to it all. Much like February through April’s heart issues, that caused the delay of the cancer’s biopsy. The numbness is present yet again..
I once seen the saying (below) on a post, “Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to let go” but I thought it was intended for me. Months later, I’ve come to the realization it wasn’t about me, rather it was about someone else.
You thought you controlled me, didn’t you? I suppose you did have that power up until your gaslighting attempt failed. That’s when you set me free without a word and all these months later, I find myself still floating in my thoughts on occasion and it may have taken me a while, but I have figured your clues once more.
Like all the other things I’ve learned, I’m taking this as inspiration to letting go of my fears and thoughts of the impending treatments. I can’t control the outcome no more than you could. Yet, I’ll face it head on, unlike you, because you cannot run from everything. Sooner or later, it catches up and you need to face it.
I was correct in my first understanding of this message, wasn’t I? Its meaning is as visible as it reads. It had nothing to do with me, or ‘The You I know.’ It’s about the ‘REAL YOU.’ Compliments were given with frowns and signs of dismay, because you didn’t believe. But you know what? They were as real as you are now. So, like before, in between and the tomorrows ahead, I’m here. I’ve accepted who you are and because I am a fighter I won’t give up at day’s end.
I Am Me’ but now I’m ‘Unapologetically Me’ as well.
UPDATE: 11/04/23
This afternoon, at approximately 12:30 pm, I was informed of my treatment schedule. But I’m not going to mention it here. If you’re truly interested, you can wait the 24-36 hours longer until my next blog is released.
I need the time to relive my ‘feelings.’
I wanted to know who I was throughout this fight as compared to who I am now. I see frustration in the past as opposed to confidence. I see Christmas right around the corner. When it all began back in February, I seen tears on Valentine’s Day. I seen sadness and my life was in turmoil. I see loneliness, a broken heart, healing that didn’t end because that’s all I did this year. Heal day after day over one thing or another.
Procedure after procedure, more healing and fuck, don’t forget that broken heart that still hasn’t mended either. I never had time to go through all the stages of healing. Missed the anger part but glad it skipped me by. That may have been the breaking point if it had hit.
So, before I announce anything tomorrow night or Wednesday morning,
I have some housecleaning to do.
Casey, if you were standing right in front of me, I’m not sure where I’d start. What happened changed me. It made me remember who I am, a writer. And a damn fine one at that! I’m intelligent, kind and caring. I was there for you. In the end you weren’t anywhere near for me, and I needed you more than anyone. I forgave you a long time ago. But ten months later I find it hard to trust, yet you’re still in my heart unconditionally and I pray we can become friends once again.
What’s most troublesome though, is the 3/16 reference (more than a date). Too many dates have meanings, like May 4th and June 13, that are more than coincidence.
Overthinking kills me, so the thoughts just sit there not knowing if you thought you were GOD at the time or Scarlet Witch singing that spell song, while transforming from Dax into the Vanquisher of my soul (that’s a good one). See how good I actually am, even without thinking or choreographing a thing? Be well my ‘forever friend’ even if I’m not yours, life is too short to hold grudges and no matter what I’ll love you forever.
Noi, you’re the best! You owned me in late February through March. I don’t know what I would have done without you. All that messaging from the hospital bed kept me going and to have you back from your own issues at the end of this battle means way more than the world. I received your ornament today and it will be the highlight of my blog tomorrow showing how friendship sticks together through even the worst of times. ‘On My Way’ will always be our song. Thank you! BTW you’re the hardest person to find a Christmas Gift for, but I’m going to find something ‘special.’ Just watch. 😁🥰
Tara, when I needed to open up, you were there. I am so glad to have you in my life! I can’t think (can you believe that?) of anything to say. I’ll just remind you about my Christmas Card! Wondering if it’ll arrive with a grand entrance like last years… Love to both you and Marlee! I’m here if you ever need anything, proud to be number 2…Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognize anywhere.
Natalia, you gave it all back to me. Out of the blue, you came with your own story. It’s hard to believe the impact on my life you’ve had in such a short time! OMG still humming that ‘Clash’ song. Even went as far as watching it on YouTube with the lyrics. Maybe I over thought it last night (you know we do that 😂) so now it’s ‘Stay.’ Or should I ‘Go’?
Loren, one day the world will know you. Woman you’ve picked up every piece of me you could find and have been gluing them back together for months. That alone takes a special person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You’ll be ‘flexing’ it before you know it!
The Beginning of the End:
There it is, out in the open for the world to read. I’m confident the treatments will go well. Leary, yes, of whether or not I’ll get sick because of the radiation. But there’s nothing i can do about that. Hell, I could turn into ‘The Hulk’ or perhaps as bad ass as ‘Godzilla.’ More likely I’ll end up being me and vomiting a while and then move forward to learning “How To: Human Being.” Carmen Scott does a fine job explaining that. A must read for sure!
Where am I with it all? I’ll just say this, I’m glad that ‘My time is finally near‘.
I’ll let Russell Watson sing it for me.
Enjoy your evening and hope to see you reading my next segment tomorrow night when I disclose more, including the time schedule for the actual treatments. Be blessed and love one another. Most importantly, let the last words you ever tell anyone be kind ones, you just may never see them again, to take them back if they’re not.
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