With Agnieszka Rdesinska
There is a big difference between online friends and acquaintances. In a means to help clear up some discrepancies between the two, I decided to speak to friend and certified therapist Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska about them.
When I first approached Agnes with the possibility of this story, she inquired where I was heading and my goals. I explained that now my own personal demons are being laid to rest, that I couldn’t just stop.
I needed to help others, not to fall prey to the same fate I had. Also, I wanted people to be aware of what they’re actually looking for online. I want them to know how to differentiate between the two, friendships and acquaintances. Most importantly, I don’t want them to get hurt in the process.
“Oh, my!!! This is so insightful!!!” Agnes replied. She then began to give me a briefing of what’s happening in the world of socialness.
“The problem runs deeper than we realize,” Agnes began. “We live in an age when we’re more connected than ever, but also the loneliest we’ve even been. EVERYONE has a basic psychological and emotional need to be connected to other people, to be seen, validated, to feel needed and significant, to know they’re not alone.”
“Now we’ve become very individualistic (like) in a big city, no one knows who you are, and no one cares. People used to spend almost every evening hanging out with a group of friends or family. That’s not the case for most of us anymore. Yet the need remains, and we turn to social media to scratch this itch, the desire for connection.”
“If you’re a person that is trusting and cares about others, someone who easily accepts people into their life – it’s easy to assume that others feel the same way. It’s called projection. When you see someone as a dear friend, it’s easy to assume they feel the same way without ever actually talking about it and making sure the feelings are mutual. That’s how we get hurt,” she compassed her brief.
Identity:
What is the importance of addressing someone by name as opposed to just a message itself? You and I do this all the time, a ‘Hi Agnes’ of ‘Thank you, Agnes’ has been a part of my vocabulary ever since I can remember.
To this day I use it because it seems appropriate to not just respect someone’s identity but to show that person you sincerely care enough to address them as who they are. I get so many messages from ‘friends/acquaintances’ without even a mention of who I am and sometimes its unsettling to know that by not doing so I’m not important to them.
What are your thoughts and how does this contribute to where we are headed with this article, I asked Agnes.
“Your question goes perfectly with this article because it’s also a matter of expectations,” Agnes began anew. “You’ve summarized the importance of addressing someone by name better than I ever could because it’s a value you live by. Addressing someone by name is a sign of care and respect for you. And because you value it, it’s natural that you expect other people to see it the same way.”
“However, many people don’t see it that way and it really doesn’t mean they don’t care. I’ll be honest – me and my friends never address each other by our names when we chat online. I address you by your name because you do it for me, but I was not aware of the importance you’ve assigned to it. I must’ve subconsciously picked that up because you’re the only ‘friend’ I address by name online!”
“Sometimes small gestures make people feel more valued, but it’s very personal,” Agnes supplemented. “It’s good to communicate these things as you have now – when you share a little anecdote like that, your friends get to learn more about you and treat you the way that makes you feel valued. If they don’t attach any significance to having their name typed out in conversations with friends, they will assume that no one else cares. That’s why communication is important!”
Communication:
With what you have just told me, is it FAIR to say communication in the beginning is important as to what one is looking for? I followed up.
“I believe it’s good to be open about our intentions when we meet someone online,” Agnes says. “Especially if we’re hoping for more than friendship. It’s the best way to avoid hurt and disappointment. People tend to get suspicious when someone they don’t know messages them, and for a good reason – there are many scammers out there!”
Agnes goes not to tell me that it’s not necessary to approach people saying, “Hey, I would like to become online friends with you.” However, does say, “If you have a good flow, the friendship will come naturally and if someone has no interest in making friends online, they won’t be very responsive.”
Acquaintances:
“If you meet someone online and enjoy chatting with them, they become an online acquaintance,” Agnes says. “At this stage, you’ll most likely know whether you’d like them to be your friend or an online date. If you hope for something more, that’s a good moment to explore whether they are interested – it’s better to establish your intentions early on, as becoming friends can deepen romantic feelings if things aren’t clear from the start.”
Friendships:
in order to become friends, Agnes tells me you have to build trust and share deeper, personal stories, while going on to say, “You know that an acquaintance has grown into a friend when you can depend on their support, and you share a connection – you care about each other. You check up on each other and enjoy your conversations. Friendships can be very deep, and you can love your friends the same way you love your family.”
More Communication:
How can we keep them separated emotionally, I asked Agnes and followed up with, how can we adjust our mindset to avoid falling in love?
“The important part is to avoid falling in love when the intention is friendship,” opened Agnes. “Usually, when the intention has been communicated during the acquaintance stage and they have no interest in romance, it’s easier to ‘make a switch’ than when the romantic feelings have grown during the friend stage. That’s because if the intention wasn’t clearly communicated, there is hope that a friend will become a lover. This hope lets the feelings run unchecked.”
In a situation where your friend is not looking for a relationship, later tells me, you find yourself wanting more, you should communicate the feelings immediately. “Unfortunately, there is a chance it’ll scare your friend off, so if you don’t want to lose the friendship it’s good to communicate the feelings in a delicate way with a ‘disclaimer’ that if they still have no interest in a relationship, you’ll respect it and never mention it again, but you’d like to remain friends,” Agnes says.
“Don’t try and hide or suppress your feelings, that’s counterproductive. If you could’ve kept them in check, you would’ve. The only way forward is to address them and that’s why honest communication is key,” She concluded.
Writers Note:
There’s always so much to take in when I speak to Agnes and even though I hadn’t wanted to include myself as part of this piece I found myself seeing where I had gone array. I always knew communication was at issue, but I hadn’t expected to be on my part. So, in closing I ask you to look inside yourself as see if you did it right. Ast yourself, what were and are your intentions, are you communicating them properly. You can’t assume someone knows what your your intentions are.
A parting Thank You to Agens, my friend, for time well spent with us and clarifying some things. I enjoy these sessions and sincerely hope they can help someone struggling or even give advance knowledge so people can learn what mistakes not to make.
Going to leave on a bit of an upbeat note…
Enjoy ‘Just Communication.’
You can find Agnes at these sites:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
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