My Healing Journey
Recently I seen a couple posts that caught my eye and figured I’d send them off to RTT hypnotherapist and NLP coach, Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska for her interpretation of them. As they could be troublesome for someone in healing mode or for those that have even the slightest amount of empathy.
The first came in a six-part photo story, I attached three each to collages for the sake of space and asked Agnes to sypher as best she could. Below is its header and we began with it.
“Let’s talk about toxicity… It’s an interesting subject, seeing how subjective it can be,” Agnes eagerly begins.
“What some consider toxic; others consider normal. Especially the ones accused of toxic behavior. You’ll also notice that the most toxic people often call out toxicity in others, which might be simply a projection of their own character onto others.”
“I looked at the post and the first thing I’ve noticed was that the list says, “toxic behaviors that are considered normal” and then gives examples that are not really considered normal. I’m nitpicking of course,” she points out. “I think the list should be called “toxic behaviors that are so common we don’t even bother calling them out anymore”.
The therapist sighs, as she begins in earnest. “The first one about acting all kind and positive online while being mean to others in real life – it’s about creating an illusion of being a good person. Some believe that the way people perceive you is more important than what’s real. If they keep “signaling their virtue” online and people start seeing them as such, they feel good about themselves. Smoke and mirrors.”
“Ghosting is a terrible way to end a relationship/friendship,” Agnes said softly as if not to add kindling to my smoldering memories. “There’s no closure for the other person and they’ll keep asking themselves why they’ve been discarded. An emotionally healthy and mature person,” she continued, to reassure me, “wouldn’t do that.”
“But some people who suffer from i.e. social anxiety, inability to set boundaries or avoidant attachment style might resort to ghosting as a way to escape – fear of confrontation can be too great to handle” she added. “Sometimes people who are on the autism spectrum or ADHD ghost others “accidentally” without meaning any harm (I’ve seen that happen a lot). But I don’t think most people consider it normal.”
Also, she tells me, ghosting is usually a result of fear and that it’s not a healthy way to navigate relationships. Yet, it’s not her place to judge without knowing someone’s entire story, while adding it could, also, be a sign of narcissism.
“Not taking responsibility of your actions and acting as the one who’s been hurt” – that’s victim mentality and I’m writing a blog about it,” Agnes says.
“That’s called “victim mentality” or “victim mindset,” she said of it later on, and the reason I’ve added it. “It has nothing to do with actually being a victim, it’s just people refusing to take responsibility for any action they take. So, whenever something bad happens (even when they caused it themselves), it’s never their fault and they’ll act as if THEY are the victim.” and then offered an example.
“Imagine a couple (gender is irrelevant) where one person is kind and means well, but they fell in love with someone who has a victim mentality,” Agnes summates. “The toxic one keeps expressing behaviors that hurt their partner. Finally, they even get caught lying and cheating and – even though it hurt their partner a lot, they were broken up with and left alone to face the consequences of their actions.”
“Now a person with victim mentality would go online and tell all their friends about how terrible they have been treated – they’ve been broken up with, thrown out of their home, this is all terrible, how could someone do this,” she says and continues. “They are a victim; their partner was actually the bad one and even if cheating is pointed out – they cheated BECAUSE their partner was so terrible to them. Nothing is their fault, ever.” Agnes pointed out, that’s when posts like this can happen.
“Narcissistic people can have this form of victim mindset,” she adds. “That’s why when meeting new people, it’s good to pay attention to how they present their life story to you. If someone talks about how they’ve always been treated badly by everyone in their life, and they never did anything wrong – it can be a red flag. Emotionally mature people take responsibility.“
“Expecting others to prioritize their own feelings, that’s emotional immaturity. When a person hasn’t stepped out of their own ego, they feel like everything is about them and they’re the center of the universe,” Agnes says at the start of the final three.
“If you look closely, that’s how children and some teenagers behave. We’re meant to grow out of that and cultivate empathy… Unfortunately, not everyone does,” Agnes added.
“Not respecting somebody’s personal space and saying things that make them uncomfortable is unacceptable. Sometimes it’s unintentional (especially when it’s done by someone on the spectrum), but that doesn’t mean it should be tolerated,” she continued on the next slide.
I don’t inject often, but I felt an exception to this rule should be considered. ‘Does your response hold up to when the person hurt finally steps up and asks for an explanation?’ I asked.
“I don’t think it counts,” said Agnes. “You have the right to ask for an explanation, whether they give it or not is up to them. But it’s natural to want to understand.” Then proclaiming, “NO, NO!” when I followed that question up with, ‘Is this what I am doing by incorporating my trauma here’.
“Gaslighting is when one denies someone else’s reality. Imagine a person who’s upset because their partner did or said something, but upon confrontation – their partner denied it ever happened and tries to make them feel like they’re crazy or delusional. It’s very damaging,” began Agnes on our last slide. “Some people gaslight consciously, they use it as a tool to manipulate. But sometimes they’re not even aware they’re doing it and it’s a tool their mind came up with to protect them from “being wrong”.”
“Which is very interesting. Why is it so difficult to be wrong? I thought a lot about this because it’s not uncommon. I don’t know many people comfortable with being wrong. But when you look at how human mind works, it makes sense. The subconscious mind is quite simple in how it interprets things. Sometimes “you are wrong” is seen by subconscious as “you are bad, and you deserve to be punished”. Which activates a number of defensive mechanisms just to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. Look at how our minds are conditioned.”
“You get the answers wrong during an exam – you don’t get a good grade, and you might be punished. If you did something wrong, your parents might punish you. It all creates very negative association with “being wrong”.
“To heal as a society, we need to normalize being wrong. Because it is normal and it’s okay – we all get things wrong sometimes and we all make mistakes. Think about it – “being wrong” or making a mistake doesn’t say anything about a person’s character. What we frown upon is when they’re denying and gaslighting just to keep up the illusion of being “right”.
“I have so much respect for people who can admit they were wrong, take responsibility and learn from the situation. It’s quite a rare sight these days,” my friend confides in me.
I said to Agnes, ‘you broke them down, how about a general synopsis for them collectively…or what everyone should be doing?’
“I’ll give some advice to both people who have to deal with toxic people and people who have been called toxic, but would like to change their behavior,” replied Agnes.
“When dealing with toxicity – first of all, learn to set boundaries. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to politely tell someone to keep their opinion to themselves and it’s okay to limit the contact to the necessary minimum,” she mentioned.
“Furthermore, let go of any expectations that the toxic people will magically change their ways. It might happen, but not because you want them to – they need to want it themselves.”
“Imagine there’s a lake you need to cross every day, but every time you do – a snapping turtle bites your toe. Every day before you get into the lake you think “maybe today the turtle won’t bite” – and then it snaps again. The next day again. Then you think “maybe if I’m a nice person it won’t snap at me”… and guess what – it bites again. The turtle can’t help it – it’s in its nature to snap at your toes and nothing you do will make it stop. You either stop crossing the lake or wear some thick freaking boots when you do!
“Toxic behavior doesn’t just pop out of nowhere – there’s usually a reason. It can be a result of trauma and if that’s the case – I recommend starting there,” Agnes points out.
Maybe you’ve heard this quote before. “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you. If there’s some old pain causing your troubles, healing it will have a great impact on the way you interact with others,” she says.
Another way to become less toxic, Agnes concludes, “Would be by “practicing” empathy. Yes, you can learn to be more empathetic. If you consciously and deliberately place yourself in the shoes of another person.
Ask yourself – ‘How would I feel if someone did/said this to me? Would I like to be treated this way?‘. Accept that some people might have different values and beliefs – don’t assume that everyone thinks the same way you do. If someone tells you that they dislike something you do, respect that. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you; they just might not be comfortable with some things you do and that’s perfectly fine.”
WRITER’S NOTE
It’s that very ‘self-reflection,’ Agnes speaks of, that has me publishing this today 3:16. It was exactly one year ago, to the date, that a friendship I cherished so dearly ended. I was reminded of the date in our last message exchange. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t pondered its obvious connection.
This is what ‘ghosting’ someone does. The pain is still there, the memories fresh as those from early today. Yet I go on. Often hoping, other times praying to forget and silently remembering Taylor Swift’s definition of ‘Unconditional love.’
It’s always a pleasure working with Agnes. Her wisdom and ability to not only explain my feelings and grief is remarkable. But what amazes me most is her kindness and friendship. She’s not afraid to step out of the norm and help someone. That’s true empathy. Thank you once more, Agnes! I love having you to not only turn to but as a friend as well. To my readers healing, I hope this helped and remember help is out here. To all the rest of you, thank you for taking a few moments and stopping in for a ‘good read.’
You can find Agnes on social media at:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
Follow me on Instagram at rickollie and subscribe to my email list here at the bottom of the page! And if you enjoy my website, please consider a small donation to help me keep it afloat at paypal.me/justmeric. Thank You.
You can find all my sites on Linktree.
daily prompt, Dailyprompt 1999
Leave a Reply