Sleeping on the News
June 24, 2023
I’ve had a couple nights to sleep on the news that I have cancer. I’ve had a mixed bag of thoughts cross my mind. The mind and its thoughts are the worse battle so far. In reality, I know what it’s up to. Sadly, for it, I’m way smarter than it is. Now, if that isn’t the biggest contradiction of reality you’ve ever heard; I don’t know what is.
It wants me to blame someone else for my misfortunes. But I’m not a narcissist. I can accept shortfalls. ‘Right is Right, Even If No One Is Doing It.’
It tells me that if I wasn’t in such mental anguish back in February, my heart wouldn’t have gone as wacky. That the cancer would’ve been caught months earlier.
I countered its argument by saying, “you knew that defibrillator change was coming long before. Any other complications could have arisen too and did during that time. So put it to rest. That wouldn’t have changed a thing.”
I add it here, because it is part of my journey and part of my thoughts the last couple days.
I’ve thought a lot about, ‘What A Fucking Year’ and my announcement that I’d be blogging about it. If you’ve read my ‘Hospital Chronicles,‘ you’ll understand the kicker.
I realize there will be times when I won’t feel up to writing or will have thought I may have written enough. But I hope to battle those demons so others can learn to live, feel and experience the recovery along with the mental battle the disease causes.
Fortunately, mine was caught early on. I won’t be feeling any of the physical pain the disease may have caused prior to its treatment.
Mentally, I’ve found myself not seeking ‘thoughts and prayers.‘ Like I’ve written in previous blogs, I do believe in a GOD. If it’s HIS decision someone’s time is up, it’s up or any other position HE deems fit to see someone in. Surely you can’t argue that. Thus, making them useless. Don’t believe me, ask any parent of a school shooting if they had helped them. However, what I am asking in lieu of those, is your support. Say something supportive like, ‘hey I got your back’ or ‘wishing you a great day.’ You get the point.
Like me. Love me or hate me but don’t ‘appreciate’ me either, because what I’m doing is actually for me. Thats greed. I might say it’s to help someone, and I truly want that. Yet in reality it’s my release. My zone. My peace. My Own Space.
Another salutation I’m not particularly fond of is ‘sorry.’ You haven’t done anything to me to be sorry for. Accept it like I have.
But I’ve got to give ‘Shiny Hippie Facebook‘ a big shoutout. She included it with the most understanding of why I’m doing this, reply yet. “Sorry about the news, Rick. I am glad you started this project so you can process and get support while doing what you like to do here. Baby steps. You got this,” she wrote.
That’s what this is about. That’s what I’m about. Thank you Shiny. I’m honored to be, maybe, one of the thousand or so on the planet who knows your real identity! It’s a pleasure being your friend and having you understand! You know I’ve always got to have a note. I could see us as the modern-day Jethro Bodine and Elly May Clampett. It would be in the Beverly Hillbillies episode of Robin Hood of Griffith Park. We may be misunderstood. But what we do; we both do for a greater cause. You rock Maid Marian.
My late ‘Birthday Month’ trips scheduled for August are still a go. The disease is in such an early state. Urologist said enjoy, as the real battle will begin in September. Monitoring was an option. However, I chose to confront it directly now. I’m stronger than it is currently, or stronger than it will become.
And Shannon, there is another clue in here. #antagonizeshannontime HAHA
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