“I’m Back,” it’s Screaming at Me

Tuesday, September 30

I haven’t announced it via blog until now, so if you’re not following me on social media this will be news to you. My cancer is back. I found out last Thursday when the test results from a recent biopsy popped up in my email. Then I spent the better part of Friday and Monday trying to expedite an oncologist appointment that is scheduled for the end of October to an earlier date. So far to no avail. Cancer Sucks.

Today I made some progress as I just spoke to scheduling in the radiation-oncology department. Although my oncologist has no openings prior to my scheduled appointment, I inquired about a waiting list, and they do have one. She, also, added that because of insurance changes they no longer do telephone nor video appointments either. UGH something is better than nothing.

Hell of a way to start ‘National Love People Day,’ which is today. The holiday was started in 2017 by the Lifeline Church in Chicago to inspire the spirit of unconditional love as a national event to bring us all together.

Yes, this song is for you. OK. I Love you. Bye. Love Whitney to this day!

Urology

Later in the week I have a urology appointment and I’m beginning to get dismayed with them too. He did the biopsy which discovered the cancer’s return. Now he wants to go ‘drilling‘ down the other side with a bladder scope.

Medically known as a ‘cystoscopy,’ it’s where a thin tube with a camera is inserted through the urethra to examine the bladder. It can also collect tissue samples for biopsy

I talk a lot about the mental anguish of cancer, its tests and treatments but imagine baring both sides of your soul in such a small room. Add a doctor and couple nurses, it gets a bit embarrassing. Nonetheless, rooms like this have become my norm. I’ve learned to stare at those inside it with me directly in the eyes. It eases the tensions. Yet, if I chose to have the procedure, I’m thinking of wearing something over my eyes.

Needles are bad enough. I turn my head with every injection or blood draw. Never could’ve been a drug user. Hate the sight of needles. Not scared, just don’t like them. But more importantly I’m not fond of the idea of a hose being inserted down there.

I know, ‘too much information.’ However, my articles are for learning as much as healing.

Agnes

If I can offer one piece of advice to the weary going through cancer or any life altering issues it would be find a therapist to work with. I am so glad I found Agnes. She’s not only book smart with her master’s degree but has practical experience as well. Best part is, she’s one hell of a therapist.

We spent an hour in video chat this past Saturday and worked through some of my concerns about this bladder scope. I’m not worried. But question why we’re addressing this as opposed to the cancer. I wonder if the benefit of the test outweighs the added anguish.

If it is cancer, the treatment would be the same as that of the prostate. Plus, tests haven’t shown any spread of the disease. Only a single raised Red Blood Cell count in my urine is under question here. And it was done weeks ago and could be attributed to multiple things.

After talking to Agnes, I’m 99% sure I’ll nix the procedure. If he wanted to do another urine test fine. But even that’s too late as I’ve had the biopsy and one of its side effects is blood in the urine that can last for weeks afterwards.

Last Night

Like Agnes and I discussed about a month ago, ‘It’s all coming back to me now.’ All of it. Dreams kept me up the better part of the night. Dreams of my first go around with cancer just two years ago. She told me then, she wished I could get peace. Peace long enough to heal from just one thing. But I haven’t gotten it. Nor do I feel I ever will.

It was 8:30 am her time when she replied to my Instagram Post from the day before that mentioned her mom. We’re friends too. I happened to be awake when she commented, and I liked it.

She asked if my notifications were on and if she had woken me. ‘No,’ I assured her. It was 2:30 am my time and we began chatting. Yes, a quarter way around the world and we started talking about my lack of sleep. That’s the friend in her, always caring.

We didn’t touch on my dreams. But she offered hers. “I just woke up, had a dream I was in America, and we were hanging out,” She said. Having gone from an interview for my blog, to therapist and then friendship we truly have a forged a special relationship. This made me smile. So much so, when we finished, I fell asleep.

The Mango Twins

I really don’t recall who found who, but Juliana and Juliete have become such inspirations in my life over the past year or so. They can brighten up even the cloudiest of days with words of wisdom and praises of strength and gratitude. I love them dearly.

Oddly I have just a single photo that depicts who’s whom and this isn’t it. But you’ll meet them soon enough once I start posting this year’s Christmas Ornaments. Theirs is perfect.

They sent me this wonderful quote today with the following message.

“A perfect reminder that TODAY and right now is the day and time you have power over. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. We tend to get caught but it’s literally just today and only today! Focus on that and make every day count as you always do.”

I needed their reminder of ‘today’s,’ today more than ever. Thank you, my friends! And I can’t wait to show off your ornament!

Wednesday, October 1, 8 AM

Another bad night for sleeping as I woke about one a.m. and didn’t get back to sleep until close to 3:30 and was awake again by 6:30. I really should learn to leave my cell phone in the living room at night maybe that’ll help. But last night it was with me, and it made me happy for a change.

While scrolling I heard the lyrics, “Because I knew you, I have been changed for good” attached to a picture of an early morning rainbow. And I knew a new day, not yesterday nor tomorrow, is what I have. I must make the best of it.

Caroline

I know she blushes when I mention her in my articles, but she has been a Godsend. She’s always there working with me through the toughest decisions, life setbacks and just for the love of humanity. We spoke a few times in the past week about me, us and how I’m coping. You need someone like her in your corner too!

The one-time psychiatrist turned meditation coach has become closer to me than anyone, including family. Best part is that I’ve gone from ‘Words‘ to being…’Footloose.’

While everything might not be perfect, with her help, life has gotten better. And I really do feel better inside. Learning to control what I can while walking away from the unwinnable battles has been paramount. While the peace and tranquility from the meditation have brough me the much-needed relaxation my mind has craved.

I keep Her’s and I’s conversations private. But know that I always look forward to our talks and meditation. They’re priceless and we’ll video chat later today. I can’t wait for the days Chakra session and her input on my decision about questioning this week’s procedure.

5 PM

Caroline and I just finished our video call. We began with my questions to the urologist and their legitimacy. Along with the fact that I’m simply tired of tests, she agreed the answers I’m seeking are important and need to be addressed.

We spoke of my sleepless nights and what I could do to rectify them. That discussion led us into a Visualization session rather than Chakra.

With her soft-spoken voice and my eyes surrendered shut, our journey began. We traveled from a lonely snow-covered landscaped mountain side cabin. From there, we walked through crispy air and freshy fallen snow to an orange glow in a meadow. That’s where my own compassion awaited. Refreshed and mind cleared of my concerns, I was able to grasp hold of my compassion and hold it tightly.

As I type this, I know now what I am lacking. It is that very compassion for myself that I offer all too freely for others. And by continuing on I’ll gain more insight on how to care more for me that what little others offer in return.

WOW

I’ve nearly forgotten I’ve been invited to Greenfield Village’s Hallowe’en special tomorrow evening.

The Village is part of The Henry Ford Museaum and host the annual event during the Spooky Season of October. This will be my first time attending ‘Hallowe’en‘ and I’m honored to have been invited to Opening Night.

Even with cancer you have to have a life. I try to include a part of that here as well. Because, in my opinion, if you keep dwelling on the disease inside you, it’ll tear you to shreds. You have to continue living. Enjoy yourself and if you find it overly difficult, just live for that one moment. That’s how you’ll survive.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I’d also like to mention that today begins the start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I’d like to encourage my female readers to schedule a Mammogram today. Please don’t put it off. An estimated 42,170 women in the United States will die because of breast cancer this year according to the American Cancer Society. Early detection is vital and could save your life.

For my male readers, don’t think breast cancer is solely designated to females. There is a rare form of the disease that can affect you as well. Here’s the link for more information from the Mayo Clinic.

To all those that have been tested or planning to be tested, know that I’m here rooting for you and negative results. Yes, you too, even if we don’t talk or know one another. Cancer is no joke, and we are all in this together!

Thursday, October 2, 6:30 AM

All considered, I slept well last night. Woke a couple times to use the restroom but didn’t have too much difficulty falling back asleep. And although I’m not much of a napper yet I sense one coming before I leave to The Henry Ford later in the day.

I’ve always loved Halloween. It’s the one time of the year you can make believe you’re anything or anyone. One of my favorite movies during Spooky Season Is The Midnight Hour, staring Shari Belafonte.

Hell of a song to add, huh? I’m not encouraging anyone to ‘Get Dead.’ Rather, I’d like to see you keep fighting. Because that’s exactually what I’m doing. I just like the song and have been a fan of Shari’s since my youth!

Friday, October 3, 7:30 AM

Procedure Day

Still not sure if I’ll go through the cystoscopy this morning. Waiting to see how my urologist responds to my concerns.

I’ve never been afraid of cancer, but you have to stay a top of what doctors want to do. Remember you’re the patient and it’s your body and beliefs they’re doing it to. If you’re uncomfortable about anything, by God ask. You have the right to question them.

I went to the opening of Greenfield Village’s Hallowe’en last night and had a really good time. I was fortunate to have crossed paths with ‘The Queen of Hearts.’

She’s actually quite charming and attractive. Even after ‘The Mad Hatter‘ kept shouting, “He’s Wicked” (any guesses why) she allowed me to leave with my head still attached. I believe she’s just misunderstood! 👑❤️😂

11 AM

My urologist answered all my questions and even more. The best news was he’d be able to prescribe the ‘androgen deprivation therapy.’ Commonly known as hormonal therapy without me seeing the oncologist. This would give me a head start on treatment before my appointment with that department. I’ll be informed once the two have collaborated and we’ll go from there. Hopefully next week.

After hearing his explanation as to why, if I do have bladder cancer too, it would be beneficial to fight now as opposed to later. I went ahead with the procedure.

Above are the monitor and the ‘scope’ which was inserted into my urethra. I was given an antibiotic and a pain killing injection beforehand. The scope was covered so I actually had no idea of its size before we began. Seeing it after was definitely a good thing. I probably would’ve said “No thank you, Doc” and been on my way out the door had I saw it prior.

The procedure took about five minutes. As I viewed it on the monitor, he explained what we were seeing. No cancer cells were present nor any tumors. Only thing out of the ordinary is a small red spot he attributed to my past radiation therapy with a visible vein. This, he added, is what likely caused the small amount of blood detectable in my urine.

The focus now shifts back to the cancer. Hopefully I’ll know more soon. But I’m grateful this bladder issue has been resolved. Too many battles at a single given moment can amount to an overload of stress. That is something I don’t want to go through again.

If you enjoy my website, please consider a small donation to help me keep it afloat at paypal.me/justmeric. Thank You.

You can find my sites on Linktree.