With Hypnotherapist Jodika McKinley

I knew I was about to hear revealing truths after hypnotherapist and love & relationship coach, Jodika McKinley agreed to an interview on ‘Why do we keep attracting people that hurt us’. The therapist holds no punches. I’ve learned this through our near yearlong therapy, collaboration and friendship talks and video chats.

Her directness is what I love most, and I’ve have told her as much on several occasions. She doesn’t mince her words for your feelings. Rather she tells it to you the very way you’re thinking it but afraid to say or show it. How can she do this you ask? Because you’re talking about something that’s happened to her, and She Knows the feelings involved.

So, without further ado let’s get on with my second interview for Mental Health Awareness Month.

Why Do We Keep Attracting People that Hurt Us?

I had been reflecting on my past relationships. I hoped to understand whom I am attracting, whom I am drawn to, and why. Soul searching has become a norm, so any future loss won’t turn into all out grief. That is, if I ever pursue another relationship. Clearly, I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about serious relationships where there is substance between us or the possibility of something more.

My last two such relationships mirrored one another not only in looks but personalities, goals and family structure. Politically and career wise they were total opposites. But neither ashamed to promote themselves or their achievements for even greater success.

Sadly, the thing they shared most was their ability to fully detach from someone who cared about them. Me. One without even as much as a goodbye.

Recently I’d been asked by another therapist, about the one that left without a word, “Do you feel a bit. cheated? For her creeping her way into your heart, presenting a fake version of herself that you fell for?”

I didn’t quite know how to respond to her question. Sure, it hurt like hell. Yes, I still miss her. But I also learned about real love. Wasn’t that worth it alone?

So, I decided to ask Jodika ‘How the Hell Should I have Felt‘.

Jodika

“Let me be clear: you don’t attract who you want—you attract who you are,” began Jodika, as she chiseled away at me.

“That woman didn’t “fake” her way into your heart. She showed up as the exact energetic mirror you needed at the time. Whether that was a test, a karmic slap, or a call to wake the hell up—that’s for you to sit with. But make no mistake: something in you resonated with her. Something in you was familiar with the facade. So, the real question is: What part of you was willing to believe it?”

Why do we keep choosing the wrong people?

Because we’re lying to ourselves. Simple. You can read all the pop psychology you want, binge attachment theory reels, or slap a “trauma-bond” label on it—but until you take a brutally honest inventory of your inner landscape, nothing will change. You will keep attracting shiny poison, wrapped in the illusion of “this time it’s different.” It’s not. Not until you are.

Taylor Swift sings about this and although it’s directed towards men it affects us all. A portion of ‘Blank Space’ lyrics go as such, “Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya.” I hate to admit it, but I do see a lot of this going on. Is this what we’ve become adjusted to in today’s society?

I tend to look at women like Taylor as dramatized reflections of exactly what they attract. When you build your identity around heartbreak and chaos, don’t be surprised when you keep calling it in. Her evolution from sweet country girl to pop siren is the same energetic shift I see in clients who trade authenticity for power or image. There’s nothing wrong with growth, but when you become a symbol of seduction and pain—as if that’s the only way to be desired—you stop showing up real. Society feeds this. We glamorize dysfunction. We worship pop stars like cult icons. We repeat their lyrics like mantras. But let’s call it what it is: a spell. One we’ve all agreed to play along with.

Music is hypnotic. It imprints on the subconscious. That’s why I tell my clients: be mindful of what you let into your ears, into your mind, into your frequency. Musicians are modern-day sirens. It thrives on division—left vs. right, men vs. women, truth vs. truth. The more divided we are, the easier we are to control. So yes, it’s a personal problem, but it’s also a systemic one. And that brings us full circle: what about you is vibrating at the frequency of this chaos?

Is it correctable to society as a whole?

Now let’s flip it. Let’s talk about Meryl Streep—someone who didn’t shrink herself to fit a narrative. When a director told her she was “too ugly” to play the lead in King Kong, she didn’t collapse. She didn’t internalize it. She replied, “That’s just one opinion in a sea of many,” and walked away. She said she would find a kinder tide. That’s the move. Not begging to be chosen. Not shrinking to be palatable. But redirecting toward where your truth can be seen and honored.

How do we know when we’re truly in love vs just projecting an old desire onto a new person?

It’s in the stillness. A healthy connection—one that leads to real love—doesn’t come with confusion, anxiety, or a gnawing pit in your gut. That’s projection. If someone feels too familiar, too fast, or too good to be true, it’s not always a sign they’re your soulmate—it’s often your nervous system recognizing a pattern. One that you might haven’t healed yet.

Can you, also, tell us how not to fear the change? Better yet, how can we confront it with hope for our betterment?

Get honest. Radical, inconvenient, gut-punch honesty. Most people don’t fear love—they fear being seen. They fear not being enough or being too much. So, they pick people who reinforce the narrative they already carry I am unworthy, I am not safe, I must prove myself to be loved. When you stop fearing your own shadow, the unknown becomes an invitation—not a threat.

What type of mental harm is created in believing this? Torturing ourselves with repeated actions that only cause pain and grief. Why do we consider these actions good?

Self-abandonment becomes the baseline. You learn to tolerate disrespect, confusion, and emotional starvation—then label it “chemistry.”

Your brain gets wired to expect chaos and begins to distrust anything that looks like peace, safety, or kindness. Over time, that dysfunction becomes your home frequency. And guess what? You attract accordingly.

 What are we missing out on by Feeling Real Love vs the repeated setbacks of our failed relationships?

We miss ourselves. We miss the chance for healthy co-regulation—the kind where the part of us in pain no longer has to shrink, perform, or beg to be chosen.

Real love doesn’t just feel different—it pulls us forward. It asks us to live in alignment. To show up whole. But most people are too busy hiding and lying—to themselves and others—to ever attract it.

Why are some people incapable of love.

If someone hasn’t faced their skeletons, they have no love to give you. People who reject parts of themselves—who lie, repress, or perform—are numb to their own heart. Their cup is empty. It may look full, but if you take a sober look, you’ll see the cracks. And when lying to yourself becomes a habit, lying to others becomes second nature. That’s not personal—it’s a pattern. And in a world addicted to hustle, disconnection, and survival, this isn’t rare. It’s epidemic.

We’ve lost our humanity because we’ve lost connection—to each other, to self, to spirit.

If we believe we repeatedly select and attract the same type, only to get hurt, what steps should we take initially?

Start by cleaning your backyard—friends, family, exes. Every unresolved conversation, every buried emotion, every lie you’ve told yourself—go face it. That’s where your power is. That’s where you stop attracting junk. Because you can’t build something beautiful on top of emotional rot. Clear the wreckage. Own your part. That’s how your future stops repeating your past.

Now that I’m older, I’m looking at the timeline of getting to know someone. It took four years with her. Why would I want to invest that kind of time and effort with anyone that could turn out the same?

The timeline isn’t the enemy. Your shame—and your fear of the unknown—is. So don’t ask, “Is it worth it?” Ask: “Am I done living? Or is there more to discover in my heart and soul?” And once you answer that honestly… watch what starts showing up.

What advice would you give me as a friend? How can I choose someone new without the same old vices?

Stop chasing “new” with the same old lens. You’re not trying to pick better. You’re trying to become better. When you change your frequency, you change your field. You won’t need to work so hard to avoid the old vices—they simply won’t match you anymore.

As a profession, what would you suggest I do differently in choosing someone?

As a professional—when it comes to love and so-called wasted time—here’s the truth. It’s not about how long it lasted. It’s about what it taught you. Stop outsourcing your wisdom to time. Whether it was four years or four months, the only question is: did you grow?

Every time you let someone in, you either reinforce an illusion or move closer to your truth. Yes, it’s exhausting. But it’s also necessary. If you want to evolve, you can’t stay stagnant. Your youth lives in discovery, play, and the unknown.

Just don’t walk into it chasing fireworks or wearing rose-colored glasses. Show up grounded. Be real. Be honest. Expect the same in return. And when the energy exchange feels off—don’t linger.

Writer’s Note

Over the years I’ve spent on social media I’ve learned to HATE one word that’s been extended to people online. TOXIC has been too often used as a means to describe someone you have differing views of. But it really is toxic to disown someone without an explanation, as I and many others have discovered that pain.

I’m from the generation of talking things out and that’s why I do what I do. I ask the questions that feel awkward. I involve myself to show you there’s no fear in telling your story. If you don’t. how are you ever going to grow and fit in a generation lost in their own time? They surely aren’t coming back to our beliefs because blocking, unfriending and the I don’t cares have become too easy of an escape.

To Jodika, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You stick your neck out every day for your clients with not only the truth but with your heart too. Never questioning our moral fabric yet telling us like we feel it and can’t say it on our own out of shame and fear. That’s a positive sign of character. I’m proud to have you not only as a therapist but a friend as well.

ABOUT JODIKA MCKINLEY:

Jodika McKinley is a counseling hypnotherapist and love coach known for her unapologetic, soul-cutting truth. She helps high-performing, emotionally stuck individuals break toxic patterns, reclaim their power, and attract aligned relationships by getting brutally honest with themselves. Her approach blends deep energetic work, spiritual integrity, and sharp psychological insight—no fluff, no faking.
Follow her on Instagram @jodika_official or visit www.jodikaofficial.com

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