With Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska, RTT Hypnotherapist and NLP Coach
I felt bad after Agnes and I’s latest session, it was as if I had let her down. We had set the ground rules but the ‘reporter’ in me kept asking those follow-ups that you wonder why a reporter hadn’t asked after reading, watching or listening to a news story.
You push too hard and discover things you really didn’t want to know. But then a lightbulb turns on. It’s not about breaking the rules, after all, it’s about the truth. Yet, only a few of you would know that feeling, isn’t that right Tara, who just entered the story in a prompt Facebook ‘EGO’ post about me just seconds ago.
Agnes will say, ‘You (me) place a lot of value on friendship,’ when the article begins shortly, and friendships like Tara’s are priceless in my eyes. Those are the type of friendships I seek in life, meaningful and forever.
Now, let’s get it on Agnes, our rules are bent a bit but won’t be broken.
Analyzed
After my first set of questions led to the follow-ups I have spoken to, I said to Agnes, ‘As a reporter I’d do this leaving ‘her’ out. Do I have to leave myself out? If not, in all our talks or sessions, what have you seen in me as far as ego and authenticity? Have I appeared real and authentic to you? What growth have you seen? Give me your report like you’d do a client…be honest, I’m grown.’
“It’s difficult for me to decide whether you’ve been fully authentic with me or not, because I only know the parts of you you’ve shown me. But I trust you and based on everything you’ve told me,” Agnes says while analyzing me, “I don’t think you’re wearing a mask. When it comes to your growth. I’ve noticed that you are grateful and positive, you don’t have regrets. You like to help people and you place a lot of value on friendship, which is a wonderful quality to have.”
Authenticity
Early on during the interview, Agnes and I began discussing ‘authenticity,’ and what makes people assume an ‘inauthentic’ role as opposed to being themselves.
It was a question that arose after seeing the post below along with thoughts that had crossed my mind over my past hurt.
“That’s actually an ego trap – caring more about how people see you than what is real,” Agnes stated. “This phenomenon is often referred to as being “image-conscious”. It’s driven by the need for external validation. They have a strong subconscious belief that they’re not good, so they resort to creating an image of being good, which leads to a life of inauthenticity. That’s because they never truly feel accepted or loved – it’s their mask people adore.”
Agnes goes on to say the best way to explain this is to start with the concept of authenticity.
“Authenticity is being who you truly are, without a mask. Children are authentic. They laugh when they’re happy and they cry when they’re sad. They don’t feel the need to pretend to be someone they’re not,” she shares. “And then they grow up and learn how to operate in society. They learn how to hide how they feel, they learn to play a role that’s expected of them. That’s inevitable in our system – you have to acquire the necessary social skills to be taken seriously in a professional setting. In an ideal situation, you have friends and family with whom you can be your true self.”
Not everyone is this lucky. Agnes informed me that some people have gone through trauma. This trauma attached a sense of shame to who they truly are. They can never let themselves be authentic, not even with the people closest to them. “That leads to a crushing sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by people. Because you can’t feel connected if it’s your mask they’re connecting with,” she says of a side effect.
As far as the quoted post, my therapist friend adds, “I agree with the quote. If they dedicated energy to healing, they wouldn’t have to live a lie – they’d become the truth they want the world to see.“
Attachment
‘Could they (the inauthentic) become so lonely they attach to someone far off worse. Then later realize it was a big mistake? We touched on this with ‘Attachment Styles’. But, never got to the point of what happens if an avoidant finally realizes what is going on in their life,’ was my follow-up.
“Of course, it happens all the time. When they realize what’s truly going on, they might go into denial and suppress their realization to avoid facing reality,” Agnes expressed. “If they are brave enough to see their relationship for what it is, they might feel even more shame, guilt, or regret – and then choose to do nothing about it. But that might lead to misery so overwhelming that they get forced to make changes in their life and end the relationship to pursue a healthier one.”
But even then, knowing that they’re miserable, Agnes confided, they’re unable to take off their mask. That’s because of the fear of rejection and fear of looking bad to themselves and others. “To be authentic one has to accept ALL parts of themselves, even the ugly ones,” the hypnotherapist avowed.
You mention shame a moment ago, ‘How far does the ‘shame’ hole go? Can someone feel shame, and how would you say, feel shamer? Where could that lead to? And are there any symptoms?’
“Just like with any other feeling the intensity varies. You’ll notice the difference when you imagine the shame that comes with forgetting someone’s birthday for example, and then think of the shame one might feel when they catch themselves fantasizing about their best friend’s girlfriend. Shame is nothing more than the feeling of “I am bad, there’s something wrong with me”. When the shame gets out of control, we call it the “toxic shame” – that’s the feeling of being completely worthless, leading to self-disgust and self-hatred. Toxic shame causes many different symptoms, including self-destructive behavior, addictions, isolation, and avoidance. Unmanaged toxic shame usually contributes to depression and anxiety.”
Removing the Mask
‘What if the mask did come off and it was reversed,’ I wondered aloud to Agnes nearing the end, ‘and they find themselves at the bottom of the pit with no rope to climb out with. What are things they could look at inside themselves to know they need professional help to actually live their life again’
“I think that when people reach the bottom of the pit, their mental, and sometimes even physical, health will force them to seek help,” the therapist vocalized. “Unless they’re too stubborn to admit that they’re in a pit, in which case they’ll continue to suppress their emotions and keep gaslighting themselves that everything is fine. Humility and honesty are the key. We all need to be honest with ourselves in order to make the right choices.”
Back to Me
“People who are being inauthentic don’t only hurt those who build a relationship with their fake persona, but they also hurt themselves,” came her words directed at me. As did, “No happy person takes pleasure in hurting others, they’re usually in pain themselves.”
The remainder of therapist Agnes’ analyzation of myself would read as such, “If I could suggest an area of improvement, it’d be understanding that you don’t have to save everyone. It’s okay to be happy, even when other people aren’t.”
She went on to say, “I think it’d be good for you to reflect on your childhood and focus on healing your inner child – the boy who might’ve felt powerless to help someone in the past, even though it was never his responsibility to begin with. Maybe by saving/helping others at any cost you’re trying to heal your inner child’s wounds, do what your childhood self wasn’t able to.”
Personal Note:
I could say this has been hard but Tara’s timing of returning a comment to a reader on the story I had written about her was all the inspiration I needed. That’s friendship.
I want to scream because of the pain I’ve suffered but won’t because I’ve learned from Agnes, that I have to let go. And this truth has been very difficult for me to accept, even if it is coming from ‘love.’ that I just can’t save everyone, and I can’t help those who don’t want to be helped.
Yet I can write about it.
Agnes’ Web and Social Sites:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
You can find my sites on Linktree. And if you enjoy my website, please consider a small donation to help me keep it afloat at paypal.me/justmeric. Thank You.
mental health awareness month, mental health,
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