with Agnieszka Rdesinska
I use Natalia’s words below of encouragement as I give you this piece on Easter Sunday with Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska.
“I think being active and pro-active really helps with anything and writing in your case – you are so good!” – Natalia Kessler, on my healing journey.
I’ve got to admit, healing from the trauma caused by Casey’s ghosting has become a daunting task. Even today, more than a year later, I question everything from having a victim mindset to unconditional love.
This piece is a bit different than the others as I’m using some of Agnes’ own posts on Threads as topics and one of my own, non-contentious, healing journey feelings.
For those just joining in, Agnes, is a Rapid Transformational Therapist (RTT) and a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Coach certified in both.
Victim Mindset
“Victim mindset” is fueled by the subconscious association of victimhood with moral superiority and “goodness”.
“How many stories have had this motive in them? That the “good” characters are oppressed, poor and suffering. We feel sorry for them and thus subconsciously assume they’re virtuous. It’s very hard to get out of a victim mindset because keeping up the illusion of victimhood is an effective way to appear “good”. – Agnes
I’ve begun to question if I had been writing my pain with a victim mindset because I don’t want to appear as the “poor-poor pitiful me” type Terri Clark sings about below.
The song’s lyrics “the train don’t run through here anymore” and “I met a man out in Hollywood” all hit home too well as Casey unknowingly encouraged my Boston trips by rail and most definitely met her because of Hollywood.
‘I feel the victim, which I very well may be,’ I told Agnes as we started, ‘but I’m not trying to appear good. I’m trying to understand and heal. But I don’t want that mindset to carry over into my everyday life. How can that be addressed?’
She began to explain, “It’s a bit tricky because a victim mindset has very little to do with actually being a victim – it’s all about refusing to take any responsibility for one’s actions and “playing victim”, while adding. “It doesn’t have to be a result of trauma – sometimes individuals with a victim mindset have simply never learned how to take responsibility. Parents with a victim mindset can sometimes pass it on to their children. It can also simply be some bad influence.”
I began to understand that it wasn’t about me telling my story of the trauma and pain of my loss. As opposed to my thoughts of sounding like I was continuously playing the victim by doing so.
“Agnes went on, “Imagine a child or an adolescent who was the scapegoat in their family and was always unfairly blamed for everything. This kind of trauma can cause a defensive response of never accepting any blame/responsibility ever again.”
She tells me that trauma often results in learned helplessness which might contribute to what some describe as a victim mindset. Though they are not identical concepts.
“Learned helplessness is similar,” the therapist opines, ” to the situation of an adult elephant tethered by a wooden stake. As a young elephant, it was restrained by this stake, and despite its efforts, it couldn’t escape.”
“Over time, the elephant stopped trying to break free, conditioned to believe any attempt would be futile. Now, even as a powerful adult capable of easily breaking free, it doesn’t try, ingrained with the belief that it’s still powerless. This metaphor,” Agnes continues, “illustrates how past experiences of trauma can lead to a state where individuals no longer attempt to change their situation, believing they are unable to, despite potentially having the means to do so.”
“I don’t think this one is that relevant for you, Agnes assures me. “It’s about playing the victim as a manipulation tactic – because if someone plays the victim, people automatically assume they’re good and virtuous and side with them. You don’t do that; you’re trying to understand and heal.”
Pain and Suffering
“Do you agree with this statement? “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” – Agnes
I took this differently as to my response when I replied to her post and typed. “I don’t think ‘suffering’ is an option to many in third world countries that are starving or deprived of humanitarian needs the rest of us are afforded. Thus, pain is inevitable to them. Both can go hand-in-hand.”
I had taken the question as an Vulkan not as the human individual I am. Yet, Star Trek is not a mere coincidental addition here. It too was part of our journey into a friendship.
“Everyone experiences pain, just as you have. Your marriage was painful and so was the end of your friendship,” Agnes asserts to me. “But pain turns into suffering when we feel like it’s out of our control and we can’t find any meaning in it… Also, when we keep reliving the pain of the past, we suffer… If you let go of that pain and make peace with it, you won’t suffer anymore.”
Was Mr. Spock wrong for a change and the captain, right? Agnes’ words solidified that for me in this instance.
Trauma
“Trauma isn’t just something that happened, but also what didn’t happen. The support and care we needed but never received. The absence can be just as impactful.” – Agnes
“Whole lot of truth! I so badly needed that presence early last year. People need to realize how powerful just knowing they are near (don’t often need to say a word) helps others during trauma! A simple ‘Hi’ can uplift someone’s spirits out of despair.” – My reply
“Think of trauma as something that sticks with you long after something scary or upsetting happens. It’s not just about the bad event itself, but how it makes you feel deep down — scared, sad, or even angry. Imagine if your mind gets a bruise from that bad experience; just like a physical bruise, it hurts and takes time to heal,” Agnes responds.
“Everyone can react differently to bad stuff happening. Some people might shake it off quickly, while others feel the hurt for a longer time. It’s kind of like how some people can watch a scary movie and be fine, while others might have nightmares for weeks,” she articulated.
“Sometimes when people talk about a traumatic event, they focus on what has happened, what someone has done to you, and so on. However, trauma can also result from something NOT happening—for example, emotional neglect and lack of support when a child is growing up can lead to lasting childhood trauma, even if “nothing bad has happened” and “nobody has done anything.”
She then put an emphasis on the countless ways in which trauma can affect an individual long term. From mental health issues like PTSD, depression and anxiety to problems with emotional regulation such as experiencing overwhelming emotions or not feeling any emotions at all. Relationship problems such as distrust, avoidance, fear of intimacy are commonplace along with physical health problems like stress-related like chronic pain, heart problems, weaker immune systems and damaged self-esteem were included.
“I could go on,” she says, “I get confronted with how trauma affects people all the time – most of the issues I help my clients with turn out to be an effect of a traumatic event experienced in the past (usually childhood). Even innocent issues like fear of spiders or reluctance to go to the gym!”
Unconditional Love
This last one was of my doing and Agnes and I had a long conversation over it after our interview.
“Unconditional love is a controversial subject. Some believe it’s not possible to love unconditionally, but I don’t see it this way. It’s definitely possible, although not always healthy,” Agnes confessed to me.
“The most common example of unconditional love is the parent’s love. Most parents love their children no matter what,” She begins. “My personal belief is that it’s healthy for the child to be loved unconditionally by its parents. I know some people who struggle in life because their parent’s love was conditional, so they always had to fight for it.”
But when it comes to a relationship, unconditional love can be problematic, she tells me. “Because it means that “no matter what you do, I will still love you”. It’s beautiful, but it can result in a lack of boundaries and or staying in a miserable, toxic relationship. Sometimes it’s better for both parties to simply let go.”
I wish it were that easy. But Luke Combs, and others like him, have a way of reminding me. As does the old photo Casey posted.
In the end, Agnes tells me, “In order to heal, you need to let yourself grieve. You haven’t only lost a friend; you lost all the future moments you could’ve had together. Don’t try to suppress your emotions, just accept them as they come. Give yourself time – deep wounds don’t heal overnight.”
You mentioned forgiving her was easy, she reminds me. ‘So now focus on forgiving yourself. For falling in love and confessing it. You can’t control who you love and there is nothing wrong with telling the truth. There is nothing we can do but accept the things we can’t control and try to use the pain as a catalyst for growth.”
Writers Note:
It’s always more than a pleasure talking with Agnes. She’s a wonderful listener and friend and an even better therapist. Just last night she told me “I love how mature you are about this,” after asking me why it was so easy for me to forgive Casey and hearing me tell her, “I forgave because I wanted the best for her always and if it weren’t me, I still want her happy.”
Mature but painful, yet deep rooted in our talks there’s no judgement as she listens. There’s understanding and hope in her replies. There’s someone wanting to help. There’s someone present. And as long as the story takes to tell, I’ll tell it knowing she’s behind me.
Thank you, Agnieszka
Agnes’ Social Media Sites:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
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