More Healing
March 3, 2024
I’ve been meaning to toss this out here for some time for discussion and have even spoken to Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska, RTT Hypnotherapist and NLP coach about it. If you’ve missed Agnes’ interview with me, you’ll definitely want to catch up. Here’s the link Meet: Agnieszka Rdesinska (rickollie.com).
Since our initial interview, I’ve been in contact with Agnes a few times for my own support. I’m not ashamed to say I need help, after a cumulation of last year’s personal and health issues nearly broke me. They’re all chronologized here in previous blogs, if you’re interested, as I found no fear in sharing my healing journey and the events which led to them in hopes they’d help someone else as well. A move which Agnes said of me, “You serve as an inspiration, and I hope you recognize the positive impact you make by sharing your pain.” I’m beginning to, thanks to your help!
Afraid, yet inquisitive, I brought her the following video from TikTok. One I could feel but couldn’t accept. One I felt flashbacks of my own feelings, but I couldn’t picture or believe her as ‘bad.’ Yet I had made it sound in previous writings as she were, but that too was my healing process.
The man sites reasons why men shouldn’t be seeking the types of women he mentions. My first listen through, I halfheartedly agreed as my 1995 marriage was a train wreck from day one, and finally dissolved in 2004, I wasn’t able to feel that emotion again until 2021, as there was no love left in me to give or share anywhere else afterwards because I was hurt so bad.
I led a ‘me’ life from ’04 till ’21 basically heeding the words below, before love once again entered my sensory perception.
The more I focused on the man’s words, the more my stomach turned. People can change for the better. Hell, I’m an example of that. If you know me or have chatted with me on social, ‘I Am Me.’ Plain and simple, but I’ve learned from my past. Am I a good man looking for a good woman? Yes, I am. But the definition of ‘good’ in the pretext of a relationship should, I believe, be left to the individual not merely words spouted for likes or ratings.
In her own way, my ex was good. Just not for me. We don’t speak, but I’ve never wished ill will upon her, and have four great young adults I am father of because of that connection.
As for the woman that ghosted me last February. I wouldn’t have been so connected to her either, if she were ‘bad.’ It wasn’t about monetary things and if I can’t help someone that has suffered through a past relationship, what kind of goodness do I hold?
What the man lacks to mention, is a simple word every couple and or future couple needs to learn. Communication. That’s the key in my eyes. Don’t pass love by because someone has suffered trauma, or is broke, or has a shopping habit. Work the problem, don’t create another by either missing out on, not loving at all or loving the wrong person. That will cause you more pain than the happiness of trying. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.
The Video
Here’s Agnes’ explanation of it.
“The phenomenon he’s describing I call “the savior complex”. Both men and women can have that. A man with a savior complex will subconsciously be attracted to women that “need saving”. These girls have usually experienced trauma that has resulted in a disorder (for example borderline personality disorder). They behave in very toxic ways, but they’ve been through so much that the man will forgive them over and over again and the relationship is based on an idea that only he can save her and make her feel loved,” Agnes explained.
“Women with savior complex,” continued the therapist, “will similarly want to rescue a “bad boy” whose toxicity can be a result of trauma. They’ll search for explanations for his bad behavior and do it out of “unconditional love.”
“In the end it takes two to tango. The one who does the saving often has a lot of issues as well, that’s why they commit to these kinds of relationships. Low self-esteem, addiction to drama, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment.
“I’ve been both in my relationships. Being the “savior” feels very safe, but ultimately it leads to a very dysfunctional relationship. Makes you feel needed. It creates an illusion of being worth more as a person through sacrifice for someone else.
When this man says, ‘men need to protect themselves from bad women’ Agnes adds, “it sounds like it’s a gender issue. But it’s a human issue. A toxic pattern that knows no gender.”
“I would say that the advice the guy in the video gives is not a bad advice. But in order to choose the right partners you need to do some inner work and introspection,” Agnes says. “Why do you choose women or men that are not right for you? Is there a part of you that feels that you don’t deserve better (while you absolutely do), or is there a part of you that believes real love has to hurt?”
“Analyze your parent’s relationship – what have you learned about love from them? Are you trying to supplement something you haven’t gotten in your childhood? Doing inner work can be very beneficial – by understanding what shaped you, you’ll understand why you make certain decisions and how to make better ones in the future,” she concluded.
Writers Note
Once again Agnes has helped me, and I can only hope you’ve found some answers too. Or in the very least, questions that you can address. Relationships and healing are both difficult to navigate at times, but don’t do as I did in the past and just neglect love. Life has been created for us to live and my conclusion it is better shared with a loved one and friends around. Don’t hide behind the fear of rejection, it hurts worse by putting it off. Communicate your feelings, let the other know how you feel. As for the video, maybe he’s right, maybe he’s not. But I will fall in love with the person, I fall in love with. And if it’s mutual, we’ll work on our problems together no matter what they are.
You can find Agnes at:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
If you’re not already, please follow my social sites
facebook.com/ricollie
Rick Ollie (@rickollie) • Instagram photos and videos
Rick Ollie (@rickollie) on Threads
Rick Ollie (@rickollie) / X (twitter.com)
Rick Ollie (@rickollie) | TikTok
healing
love hurts
You’re Worth A Lot To Me
mental health
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