The Question

I asked a close friend who has been doubling as my editor lately a strange question the other day: Which song sounds more like me—Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” or Charlene’s “I’ve Never Been to Me”?

She knows me better than my therapist and knows all about my past escapades throughout life. So, I thought if anyone could give me an honest reply, it would be her.

Maybe it’s a midlife crisis question, considering everything I’ve been going through lately. Yet at my age you’d think I’d have myself figured out by now. Hell, some days I think I do. Other days, I’m not so sure.

Her answer was “Both Sides Now.”

Not because I’m some wise, fully figured-out guy who has neatly made peace with everything. Quite the opposite. She thinks I’m still wrestling with things, revisiting people and moments, trying to understand what happened, what it meant, and why certain things still matter.

And she’s right.

There are things from my past that still occasionally ache. Questions I know I’ll probably never get answered. A closure I’ve wanted for a long time that may never come.

Yet I’m happy. I’m in love with Maya and here’s still plenty I’m looking forward to. Cancer can scare the hell out of me one day, and the next I’m thinking about what comes next.

Maybe that’s what she meant.

Two Things Can Be True

Life doesn’t fit neatly into good or bad, love or hurt, past or present. Sometimes two things can be true at the same time.

A relationship can hurt deeply and still have been one of the most meaningful relationships of life. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean pretending what happened didn’t matter. Missing something doesn’t necessarily mean wanting it back. Looking at where I’ve been doesn’t mean I want to return there.

Still Figuring It Out

Then she said something that stopped me.

“I don’t think you’ve completely figured out who you are yet.”

I laughed when I read it, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. I’m still figuring it out.

After everything I’ve experienced, there are still questions.

What does this mean? What did I learn? Why does this still matter? Who am I after all of this?

That’s not a bad thing.

I’ve Never Been to Me feels like someone arriving at a conclusion about their life. “Both Sides Now” feels more like someone still looking at it from different angles, still learning what it all means.

That’s where I am.

Somewhere between looking back and moving forward, carrying certain things while finally letting others go. There’s room for loving people from a distance while loving someone else right beside me. There’s room for fear, hope, curiosity and even a little confusion.

And maybe that’s why I’m still writing.

The Song I Would Choose

Then I started thinking about the song I would choose for myself.

Not the one that describes the question. Not the one my friend chose. The one that, after everything I’ve told you, feels most like me.

Against the Wind

I’ve spent a lot of my life moving forward while carrying things behind me. Some were beautiful. Some hurt like hell. Some I still don’t completely understand.

I’ve loved people deeply. I’ve been hurt deeply. I’ve been abandoned and still refused to become someone who abandons others. Life has taken pieces of me and given me others in return. It’s no wonder I’m still asking myself who I am and what all of it means.

Then there’s cancer.

Forty months of it.

And I’m still making plans for Boston.

That’s why “Against the Wind” feels like mine.

Who I Am Now

It’s not a song about winning. It’s about continuing when the wind is in your face. Looking back without pretending the past didn’t happen, while still putting one foot in front of the other.

That’s what I do.

I don’t erase my past to move forward.

I carry it and keep going.

Because that’s who I am.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out all along. Not who I was, not who somebody else thought I should be, but who I am now, after everything.

Still Moving Forward

I don’t need a final answer as I’m allowed to keep asking questions. I’m allowed to see both sides. I’m allowed to have regrets and gratitude, scars and hope, memories and new beginnings.

Because I’m still here, still writing and most importantly….

…I’m still moving forward. ❤️

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Real Talk, 3:16