8 AM Tuesday 08/05/2025

As I begin this, I’m twenty-eight hours away from an oncologist appointment. I hope to get some answers in which direction these fluctuating PSA numbers are headed. Guess you can say I’m wondering ‘What Will Tomorrow Bring.’

Will it bring me sadness or madness? I’m imagining the later. As nothing has been easy as of late in this cancer battle. Like the mention of Jaws in a previous blog, the water hasn’t been safe in some time. When you believe it’s over and you’ve finally won the fight, something evil is in the background grinning at you in merciless fashion.

I’m mentally drained. Along with cancers possible return, the dreams have crept back in. What could’ve been’s and premonitions now haunt the nighttime hours. They say if you’re dreaming of someone, they’re dreaming of you too. If it’s true, that someone else isn’t getting much sleep either.

Some nights ‘I want more‘ until I realize ‘the person falling here is me.” By mornings brightness I understand it’s ‘never quite as it seems.’ Then a new day begins to repeat itself in a vicious circle. That’s the mental anguish of living with cancer and I hope you never have to experience it.

Talked to Agnes yesterday. If you’re new here, she has guided me through months of therapy sessions. It had been a bit since we’ve talked about my health and mental state, but it was time. Friendship gloves were off.

“I’m tired of thinking about it. Tired of dealing with it. Want me to lie and tell you I haven’t thought about her because of it?” I began, knowing we’d get to the ‘her’ sooner or later.

“I wouldn’t have believed you,” my therapist said in return. “The situation is too similar to your past trauma. It’s good you’re doing fun things for yourself by going on fun trips.”

The thing about Agnes is she reads me like a book. She knows the smirks I can give or blatantly miscued sentences along with keystrokes forming the wrong impressions.

“I’m really worried about you and the PSA,” she added. “How are you feeling with all this?”

“Worried about me? Or the escalating PSA?” I chimed back. I knew what she meant. And I was wrong for replying in such a manner. My sincerest apologies to her for being so rude.

“Both, what the escalating PSA does to you and what it means. I just wish you got some break from all this. Enough peaceful time to heal all the wounds.”

“Breaks have definitely been hard to come by,” I told her. “I don’t pity myself. I just try to remember how far I’ve came since February of ’23. Won’t lie she pops in my head from time to time like when I saw the results. They weren’t shitting when they said, healing isn’t linear.”

“Yeah, and I wrote her soon as i seen them…and mentioned Ryne Sandberg passing away of the same shit…told her I was going to tell her what I have been telling everyone else…Life is too short if you love someone tell them…I suppose you wouldn’t have expected any less from me there either…And by the way, Agnes, I love you too”

The rest of our conversation will stay private other than her closing “I love you too dear friend!”

Rest assured, Agnes you will get a surprise from Mackinac during my trip next week. Hopefully it’ll arrive before Christmas.

Tuesday 2 PM

Some folks really know how to cheer me up!

Had to share the message as it brought a huge smile. If you knew who it came from and her story, you’d appreciate it equally as much. She’ll always have my utmost respect, love and gratitude.

It just made the rest of my day a bit easier. Sometimes people don’t need much, just someone there with a kind word.

An inspirational ‘Christmas in July‘ ornament arrived today, too. It’s from Precious Moments and is titled ‘You Bring Warmth to The Season.’ It will highlight what’s become a tradition of mine as of late.

Shortly before I began radiation therapy in 2023; I asked friends to choose an ornament for me and send the link so that I could purchase it and add for holiday decor. All I asked was the ornament remind them of me or our friendship. The response was overwhelming and brought a whole lot of joy to my heart.

Although the request list was shortened last year due to space on the tree and obvious costs, friends chose 45 ornaments that year and over twenty last season. I’ll continue the tradition this year with even fewer invites.

Wednesday 7:00 AM

Four and a half hours away from the appointment now. Sleep last night was OK, until it wasn’t. Woke about 2:30 AM needing to use the restroom and immediately fell back to sleep afterwards. About an hour later was awoken by a ghostly dream of that old friend in distress but refusing to ask for help.

Now here I am enjoying the morning coffee in a Gingerbread Man Mug sent to me by St Jude last holiday season.

Thankfully it’s large enough to help get the day started. If you’re in a giving mood as you’re reading this, please donate to their Children’s Research Hospital. Let’s finally put an end to childhood cancer.

Another nice surprise popped in and I’m not that shy as to say who it’s from. My meditation coach Caroline Parton. I’ve been working with her for almost a year now.

Yes, we already have a plan of action for after this appointment. And if anyone can calm my anxieties post appointment it is Caroline. With her psychiatry background and meditation skills she’s helped ease many of my stressors and mental anguishes. Plus, she’s the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

Wednesday 3 PM

I’m home from the hospital now in what turned into a very productive visit. We have a plan. And while talking to my oncologist the hidden fears have diminished.

Sure, the elevated numbers are a concern. But I brought up a UK Study that showed multiple bounces are possible without the return of cancer. He agreed this is factual. Meaning it could be nothing.

Rather than risk believing that’s all it is, another bounce in the PSA’s, we’re going ahead with a second bone scan. (I had one in ’23) Which is now scheduled for later this month. With its results we can see if the cancer has spread to them.

The PET scan a few months back had shown no evidence of that, so hopefully it will return negative. If that’s the case, another biopsy will be done to see if the cells are alive. If they are they can be treated with both radiation and hormones.

However, if it has spread to my bones, we’ll use the remaining MRI I have to detect them and go from there. Hopefully, this won’t be the case and if so, will require more hormonal therapy.

I left his office in high hopes, a fisted goodbye and an I’ll see you in two months parting. Then went to the cafeteria for lunch.

Sometimes When We Touch

Before I departed, an elderly man, who was clearly a patient dressed in a hospital nightgown, began playing the piano. He looked every bit of mid 80’s in age and played a long ago favorite I listened to.

I had thought about asking to record him as he played. But upon further though, I didn’t think it was appropriate to do and just listened.

The first of two songs was from Dan Hill. ‘Sometimes When We Touch,’ and it did exactly that. It touched me in a profound manner. Watching him move his fingers from key to key as he played the tune by memory, my thoughts turned to early ’23 when it all began. Needing an ICD changeout was the beginning and now tears had formed in my eyes as he finished the song.

His second song didn’t help either. But I was able to gather my composure realizing he was playing for himself. He was lost and I was the crowd that brought him happiness. Little will he ever know the impact his music played on the one person attending his concert.

I knew then, I was about to begin reliving the past two years all over. Including those dreams of a lost friendship I had grown to love. Healing has helped. Yet some days those memories feel as painful as the day they happened, and his music selection just became more proof that healing isn’t linear. A stark reminder I often need.

There’s nothing I can do about it; I told Caroline later by phone. Plus, I’ll continue focusing on what I can change and worrying less about what I can’t. What had me worried most, I went on, we now have a plan of attack for.

I feel better and she agreed I seemed happier now as our conversation jumped to my trip back north next week. To the Straights of Mackinac, I’ll return for some fun and relaxation with only my own limitations in tack and not doctor ordered. That’s the way life should always be.

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