Musings before another test

Sunday 1 PM EST

I’m seventeen hours and forty-five minutes away from hospital staff prepping me to enter a PET Scan tube once again. Half of me cannot believe it’s happening. The other half must not have thought about it. Suppose that’s the Gemini in me.

Yes, and my birthday is this week too. The fucking (second typed the F’ word in a blog) 13th. Can you believe it? Lucky 13 being tested to see if cancer has returned during my birthday week. Two years after being diagnosed with the disease during my birthday month and eighteen months after the original radiation therapy concluded to get rid of it.

If there’s any consolation, at least the test wasn’t scheduled for Friday the 13th my actual birthday. Freddy and Jason would still have nothing on me! But being a bit pessimistic or optimistic (take your choice) I suppose it would only be fitting the test results come in on Friday. Yeah, I can laugh at that. Ha, Ha and more Ha!

I’ve been talking to Caroline a lot since my PSA’s went up and the doctors ordered this second test. She’s turned into more than a meditation coach. She’s become a really good friend that I look forward to video chatting with at every opportunity we get. A real confidant. Those are hard to find these days. Especially online.

3 pm

I knew I’d do it; after talking to Caroline last night, I popped open my hospital chart and looked at 2023’s PET results for reference when the new results come in either later in the day or sometime Tuesday.

And yes, I’ll look at the newest when they come in too. I might not want to, but I’d rather know beforehand than be surprised by urology on Thursday. It’ll put me a step ahead of both him and oncology next week if something isn’t right.

Monday 5:30 AM

Three hours and fifteen minutes till test time. Didn’t get much sleep last night as my ghost made her presence spiritually known once more. I had thought those sleepless nights were a thing of the past. But I guess not.

Healing isn’t linear is one of the first things I learned in therapy and how right Agnes was in teaching it. Every question and though about her leaving had returned. That emotional flood of anxieties kept me tossing all night. The why, still remains unanswered. Don’t Ghost People! You have no idea the mental pain you cause by doing so. Fuck labeling too. I don’t give a damn if you are an avoidant or narcissist you know right from wrong. Show some humanity and do the right thing. Those left behind can understand that and move on.

Am I worried about the test this morning, you’re wondering. Nah, I don’t think so. What’s going to happen, is going to happen. Yet, I must say, unlike when I found out I had cancer in ’23, I haven’t researched bone cancer’s treatment (worst case scenario) and treatment options, yet. If the test results come back positive, I will do that.

3:30 PM

Made it through the test and am now waiting for the results. It’s not a long test by any means. A mere 20 minutes. What takes the longest is the 45-minute wait after being injected with radioactive drugs called radiotracers. The tracers are comprised of forms of sugar, amino acids, ammonia, water, or other substances and are used to detect many things including certain forms of cancer.

Side effects from the procedure are minimal and after today’s test, outside of a bit of dizziness, the only real pain was removing the gauze from the injection site. Dude over taped it, and it stuck to the hairs of my arms.

The scanner does not emit any radiation and is basically harmless, as well. But it could cause claustrophobia. Fortunately, that’s one problem I don’t have and the amount of radiation in the dye is minimal.

Yes, that’s me in ‘the tube‘ so to speak. The table moves you in and out.

Then it was off to Starbucks for my customary coffee while at the hospital. Still say Tim Horton‘s is better!

The waiting game began as soon as I left the tube. Hopefully the results will come back ‘unremarkable‘, and it’ll just be a PSA bounce. If not, the real uncertainties begin with my follow-ups at urology later this week and oncology next week. There’s also a primary visit in between.

I wouldn’t be me without adding a song as ‘The Waiting’ is the Hardest Part. How fitting!

Tuesday 10:45 AM

I slept well last night, all things considered. But have been anxiously awaiting the results. The hospital’s email notification finally arrived; they’re in the system. Open or not to open was never in question. There was no doubt I’d be clicking it, I had to know.

12:30 PM

So, I waited to decide what to do. Kind of numb everywhere. I read the report then read it again, and a few more times after that to grasp it. There’s so much in it, some not pertaining to cancer. But in the end, it read like this.

“Heterogenous PSMA uptake again seen in the prostate gland although on the right side and appears improved previously max SUV 6.3 now max SUV 4.5. Prominent PSMA uptake also seen along the left side of the prostate gland max SUV up to 4.7. Brachytherapy seeds are seen in the prostate gland.”

Even without researching it, that doesn’t read well. ‘Prominent PSMA uptake also seen along the left side of the prostate gland max SUV up to 4.7.’ Might be relatively the same as the other side, but it is UP.

Just once, can’t I get ‘A Little Good News?’

Next step…I’ll find out Thursday at oncology if he’s recommending ‘hormone therapy‘. Or if we’ll monitor it for a while because no actual cancer cells were mentioned. One thing is for sure: it’s definitely NOT been ‘just another day‘ and ‘cancer sucks‘!

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