Say you’re a cancer survivor, without saying you’re a cancer survivor

I hadn’t anticipated writing anything personal today as I’ve tired of opening up about my life after someone told me I was ‘hypersensitive’. Then I remembered the others, like Natalia, who if you knew her entire story, would be heartbroken. Or Tracy, whose has more strength than anyone I know.

I couldn’t imagine labeling anyone that had been through a heartbreak, defibrillator changeout, cardiac ablations, a cardioversion, being diagnosed with cancer and then its treatment as ‘hypersensitive’.

You don’t have to agree with me but don’t judge me by my feelings, especially those of the past sixteen months. She ‘was’ a friend, but I dismissed her much like my first urologist because he wasn’t a ‘team player’. But this story isn’t about her or that urologist, rather it’s about who I was yesterday and who I’ve become today.

Who I was, is defined as what Basal and his thumbs up for ‘hope’ tries to instill in our selfie together yesterday. But I had tired of hope, too. With it, what do you get? Fifty-fifty odds at best? Just let it play out has become my new mantra.

More effectively, I’ll use Que Sera, Sera with Susie Q singing along as a better definition of that mantra.

Why Susy Q you ask? Because I’m still mad at Hostess for stopping production of my favorite snacks, Susy Q’s, in the box form like Twinkies and maybe someone from the company will read this and make the change back!!!

Back to Basal, he’s a phlebotomist and drew my blood yesterday for the follow-up appointment with oncology next week. He did a fine job with that needle, didn’t feel a thing and better yet, woke up without any bruise marks. I’m notorious for bruising.

Before I go on, I want to thank my team. below, of doctors (TL) Dr R, (TR) Dr S. (BL) Dr L and (BR) Dr Z for everything. Y’all the BEST and I’m glad to have each of you on my side!

I’ve always taken advantage of knowing my test results before heading back for a follow-up, this blood was drawn for new prostate-specific antigen (PSA) levels, which prior to treatment were about 7. Normal range is 1-4. However, after treatment they lower, and I was told beforehand, can increase again before finally lowering once more.

When I saw the notification that the lab work was completed in my inbox, today, I was hesitant to open my hospital chart. I wanted to know but deep inside I had a bad feeling. I was actually frightened. Who wouldn’t, I thought after reliving the recent past in my mind over and over, before I finally did. I had to. I Am Me.

Who I am today begins with Yoda and his words in Revenge of the Sith. “In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.” While in my ‘dark place,’ within his confabulation, i found that knowledge in the friendship, humbleness and support each of you brought to me. I thank you for that, including that one caller years ago, and each of you will hold a special place in my heart forever.

Cancer Sucks. Friendship.