Agnes to the Rescue

Agnes wanted the “U R CUTE” heart for my tree with her name on it. But by the time she replied, it was already taken. Leaving “KISS” as her only option. These hearts are a little reminder of the kindness, connection, and the inspiration I’m carrying with me from some wonderful souls. This will be important as I head toward my second hormonal injection next week and upcoming oncology appointment in March. 🎄❤️

She was happy with the “KISS”, and we spoke of “Love” and “Be Mine” in regard to my relationships. ‘I don’t think it’s possible,’ I told her, ‘that I’ll ever hear anyone say those words to me again’. That shifted the conversation rather quickly.

The first hormonal injection I was given to stop cancers growth started showing its ugliness early on as my mental state and manhood came into question by my own mind. I wanted to discuss those side effects with her.

Lupron

Lupron (hormonal injection) has been challenging. It has significantly affected my sexual desires. I’m learning to navigate this with honesty. I know these changes can improve once treatment stops. Still, as an older male, I oftentimes find myself questioning what society calls “manhood.” I wonder whether parts of it feel lost along the way. It’s a vulnerable space, but also a real part of my journey. We began there.

I shared my concerns about the shrinkage, the loss of firmness, and the growing sense of impotence. “I can imagine it’s very difficult,” Agnes said gently. “Without testosterone, libido goes away. But as soon as you stop Lupron it’ll come back.”

“Maybe it’s better to look at it as a temporary side effect instead of a loss of something. You’re not losing your manhood, there’s so much more to being a man,” she reassured me, “You’ll live till 100.”

With her reassurance I felt better. But what I didn’t mention to her is that without ‘it’ working. I wonder what woman would even want me.

Sex has changed this generation; and I’ve said it before. I want love with feeling, emotion, closeness. I’m not into bed hopping like our society has become so accustomed to. Yet sex is still involved. And although it isn’t my prime objective, ‘it’ not working properly makes it much harder (no pun intended) to find someone with values like mine.

Now we know what my next session will be about.

Relationships

With Valentine’s Day here, that led us into my nonexistent love life. It started when she said I’d live to be 100. “OMG, I’ll need to find a granny to change my diaper by then,” I laughed. However, underneath that humor is a real fear. If I do live that long, I don’t want to become a burden on anyone I told her. But she interjected, “You deserve some eye candy after everything you’ve been through,”

I felt warmth at the thought she believes I deserve someone young and beautiful. But I paused a few seconds before saying. ‘I’m not really interested in younger women. Dating or marrying someone much younger wouldn’t feel fair. Eventually I’d leave them’.

“Aren’t you? What’s the age limit for you?” she asked.

“No… I don’t think so,” I said. “Maybe forty-something. But am I saying that because my ghost was/ is in her forties? Honestly, I think I’d prefer someone in their fifties.” Any younger, I explained, I’d feel like I was stealing time from their life. She smiled gently, before saying “I think that’s too harsh.”

Should age be a non-barrier then, I asked. “I think it’s a choice you know, for both parties. Yeah, maybe he’ll die long before her. But do you ever know for sure if your partner that’s the same age you are, won’t die tomorrow?” Agnes replied.

She always does this to me, gets me to think. That’s why she’s a great therapist.

Between Distance and Understanding

By conversations end I realized we weren’t talking about age. We weren’t discussing attraction, cancer or even Valentine’s Day anymore. We were talking about timing. About two people meeting each other at different emotional places in life. I’ve spent a years searching for closeness. Now, I am learning how to sit with connection without needing to define it and oddly I feel happy with that.

Maybe that’s why certain people feel more important even when they aren’t physically present. They’ve become part of my inner dialogue, the voice that challenges me, reassures me, or simply listens. It’s a strange kind of closeness, one that exists more in reflection than in reality. And yet, it feels just as real as anything else I’ve known.

I’m starting to understand that healing isn’t only about letting go of the past. Sometimes it’s about learning how to hold space for what still matters without losing myself in it. That realization still stays with me even after our session. It quietly guided me toward the next question. I wasn’t sure I was ready to ask it but did.

Am I Healed or Not

“No one can tell you whether you’re healed or not. You know you’re healed when you feel whole. When you feel like you understand yourself and where you’ve come from and when you don’t make the same mistakes. You know you’re healed when you don’t suffer from the past and don’t fear the future. So, you tell me.” – Agnes

If it’s up to me, I said to her, then I’d say, No. No, I’m not. Because when I’m feeling good more questions come up. Another, dream the other night of her hurting and not talking to me about it. I wake and question God, The Universe and myself for not being able to let go of her. I question if I’m supposed to; or if I should stay for if or when she needs me. There’s more but I’ll sound like a bigger fool. I’ll leave it here.

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day doesn’t look the way it used to for me. There are no grand gestures waiting in the wings, no gifts wrapped in red ribbons or roses to be delivered. Instead, there are small symbols like the hearts on the tree with words like KISS and a discreetly placed MISS YOU for her. Then there are the conversations that still linger longer than expected. Maybe that’s what this day is asking of me now; not romance as a spectacle, but tenderness as presence and caring as a gesture of kindness.

The only thing more powerful than hate is love. Got some? Share some. Love Me Anyways as I do you.

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