With Therapist Agnieszka (Agnes) Rdesinska
If you’re asking yourself where these topics are coming from the answer would be from ‘my heart’. There is no pattern nor assigned topic planned in advance. They are part of my own healing process and make their way in from Agnes and I’s previous discussions.
My story begins fifteen months ago when she told me, “If it was a big deal to you, you could have asked sooner. If it were a big deal to me, I would have said something sooner.”
I knew then that my ‘expectations’ of her being upfront and honest hadn’t been met. I thought, ‘how could I have asked sooner, if I’m just now finding out’ as she said, after telling me she was in a relationship only moments earlier.
We had been talking to one another for years at this point and she had even called me while I was hospitalized a couple years back. Had, also, sent me all types of memories that are now just that, as I had her. But hidden inside me, afraid of myself, was the ‘L’ word I had come to feel for her that went unmentioned until it was too late.
Ever since that day, I’ve thought if I had continued to mask that hated emotion, (after all ‘What’s Love Got to Do with It‘ in this generation?) perhaps we’d still be friends. But I had one question that gnawed away at my soul, and I had to open up. “Shouldn’t I have had a choice of whether or not to send something to a woman that’s in a relationship,” I asked.
Her response, “A relationship with someone else is irrelevant when it comes to gifting, in my opinion. People who want to give should do so freely, but also without expectation.”
And thus, this story’s title. ‘Shattered ‘Expectations’ in a Generation Lost in their Own Space.’ Sadly, I had fallen prey to someone lost in their own emotions and mindset where others didn’t matter, which this generation has become synonymous with. One that will cast you away rather than communicate through issues and leaves you believing you’re only as good as you benefit them.
A couple weeks later she was gone as I found myself cast NOT into adulthood with an explanation. But one of ‘blockhood,’ by being left behind, traumatized still to this day. Ghosted, haunted by the ‘what if’s,’ questioning myself about everyone and everything. The pain hurts worse than anything I’ve ever encountered. So much so, I’d never wish it on anyone. Not even her.
My expectations of a renewed friendship shattered even more, as she married a few months later. It’s just now that I’m beginning to understand. It wasn’t me. It was her. And it’s hard, as I still find love within myself for her and hope of that lost friendship being rekindled.
Expectations
With my expectations shattered, I approached Agnes with this topic and now the story belongs to her.
“Expectations are tied to one’s upbringing, culture, values, and needs,” Agnes begins. “We learn what to expect by looking at what we’ve always gotten.”
“Social media has cultivated a culture of high expectations and a constant sense of deserving better,” She adds. Which makes “people less forgiving and accepting of others’ flaws. Everyone wants a Hollywood-esque perfect relationship, but that’s not how the world works. We don’t get into a perfect relationship, we build it.”
“There are a few healthy expectations everyone deserves. It’s not unreasonable to expect that the person we get to know is a decent human being who doesn’t hurt other people. Or that they treat you with respect.”
She proceeds to tell me that when an expectation isn’t met, whether it’s reasonable or not, we feel disappointed. Saying, “The emotional reaction will be stronger the greater our hopes and expectations are.”
With disappointment comes sadness, anger, or confusion and can even contribute to anxiety or depression. “When that happens,” She states, “we have to validate and accept our feelings. It’s okay to feel let down, there’s no need to punish ourselves for it. It can be beneficial to communicate our disappointment to the person who caused it, as long as we do it without blame. That’s the best way to get some clarity on the situation.”
“Being in a relationship with someone whose expectations are unreasonable is incredibly painful,” asserts Agnes. “Their partner always feels like they’re not good enough, like no matter how hard they try they can never live up to the idealized version of themselves.”
She, also, recommended this video and said the feelings are best described in its lyrics and I find it wholeheartedly true.
Through this much of our session, I’m thinking “Damn it’s all on me. What am I doing to myself? How could ‘caring for myself’ by not getting attached to a woman in a relationship be my fault?”
Why were my expectations so unreasonable? What was I doing that caused so much pain to someone I claimed to love to have her ghost me? Why couldn’t I have communicated better? Were a few of the thoughts that roam my mind.
Then I remembered Agnes’ three words on disappointment, sadness, anger, or confusion. And sure, enough one came to shine brighter than the others. Confusion had settled in, and I was making it about me. No. It is about her.
“Expecting someone NOT to ghost you is a reasonable expectation that everyone deserves to have. That’s just basic decency,” my therapist reassured me.
I had been hallowing in self-pity over what Agnes was about to say for the past year plus, but now someone would actually tell me directly rather than sympathize with my hidden emotions and pain of my loss.’
“I think that in your case the expectations should’ve been communicated early on, when the feelings were still budding,” Agnes announced. I’ve known that all along and should have said something our first shared Valentines Day. But I was afraid, not of rejection. Rather, because of my past marriage and the way I suffered through it. I would not suffer again. But now it’s worse.
She then augments, “maybe the outcome was inevitable, given the immature reaction of ghosting without any explanation. The question is, do you really want to be a friend with someone you have to walk on eggshells around or else you get discarded.”
“The basic expectations we have are not necessarily bad,” explains Agnes. “They help us determine whether the person we befriend is compatible with us. You don’t want to flash a list of expectations to everyone you meet, because maybe that’s just not who they are and that’s okay. It’s better to surround yourself with people who share your values and appreciate common courtesy as well!”
While adding, the best way to avoid hurt is for me to be myself and accept that not everyone will be compatible with me. “When you constantly try to tune yourself to what other people expect of you, you will get drained of all your energy and when there’s nothing left, you will be left behind,” she asserts.
It’s then when Agnes’ and I’s friendship kicks in, as she senses it’s a friend I need here and not a therapist, and tells me, from her own heart, “that doesn’t mean there is no room to grow in a relationship and remember communication to appreciate gestures is an act of love.” In a split second afterwards, she adds, “not change my entire being for someone else that gives nothing in return.”
Writers Note
This session was more soul searching than any of the others. There are days when I’m ‘Numb’ like the song’s lyrics; yet more, recently, others have been like when a friend found me after being out of my life for decades. Knowing someone is there, even if just thinking of me not knowing where, or what, or even if alive is heartwarming. Having touched someone’s life so profoundly that she remembers me is such a good feeling.
But I can’t mask the pain of not knowing why someone I care so dearly for is so afraid to even talk or wants to see me hurting so bad. No one deserves this, not even her if I didn’t care in return, that’s human decency.
If you’ve read this, this far, and are hurting over whatever reason, reach out to someone by God. Don’t go it alone, the pain doesn’t get any better. Find you an Agnes, someone that knows what they’re doing that you can navigate that pain with you.
I waited because of other health issues that were more pressing, but I shouldn’t have. I should’ve addressed them all at once. Most importantly, don’t close your heart to the world, rather open your eyes, there is still so much good in the world. Be a part of it.
Make this a ‘Happy’ Mental Health Awareness Month, not one that sees you suffering!
And to my friend and therapist once again your words and advice have resonated with me. And although the work maybe hard at times, I know that I’m moving forward. Thank you!
Agnes’ Web and Social Sites:
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) on Threads
Clarity for Mind | Agnieszka Rdesinska (@clarity_for_mind) • Instagram
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